Super Powers

  Dear Soul ...

I just finished watching the movie Justice League and sleep eludes me for just a moment. The movie gave me reason to pause for a moment and wonder the following questions - - -

1. Do we have superpowers?

2. Did God or that higher power instill within us a unique possibility that none other on this world could have?

3. If that 2nd question is true, then do our life experiences harness and grow that power within?

A little soul food to consider thinking about.  In the meantime, I believe we have gifts within us that have been a part of who we are during our pre-mortal life and like Superman, this earthly existence allows the universe to help us harness those gifts if we create an awareness of them.  It isn't about superhuman strength it is ability to have remarkable compassion, understanding,  astonishing enlightenment, brilliance in inspire others, exceptional creativity in music - theatre - arts - language - writing literature - design and philosophy like the ancients were.

We have come to know and love the works of some of those ancient and modern pioneers in their field of passion and purpose. Some of our greatest thought leaders and modernizations came about because of their diligent hard work amidst controversy, nay sayers whose job was to create negative inertia. The universal personal battle between good, better, best and evil. Centuries of control and power to ensure the benefits of greater power were piloted through fear and corruption. Fear is the enemy to all humankind.

My question to you is how you confront, live into fear. In the arena of your love do you kindly ask fear to take a front seat and that they have the best seat in the house to watch you overcome. Do you summon a superpower, grace, compassion, forgiveness, understanding, kindness to get you through?

Let me share an exert from my journal during my cancer journey.

" When you have laser pinpoint focus every day to get through the most menial tasks to ensure your rhythm and energy flow is a consistent level, it can feel like the whole event is an eternity. Meaning the seconds, minutes and hours seem to pass by slowly - a snail's pace. This is most especially clear when your plate is so full (your responsibilities and obligations/word to yourself and others).

I don't even know how to sum up all of mine in a simple sentence. All  I know is that it is full to capacity and oft overflowing. This can run the gamut of self, home, work, relationships and things outside my personal realm. 

For example when a child with special circumstances has a meltdown over me losing my hair to chemo and it escalates to violence. Depending on the timing of the day, I may be late to work which comes with its own hand full of consequences and concerns. Meanwhile negative reactions to the chemo arrive and that adds to the mix - a hot mess of love, hope, joy, sadness, anguish and I don't know how I am going to wade through all of this.

I guess my expression here is that I am learning how to change my life, my needs in increments of moments otherwise it seems all too much and then the fear sets in that I will let someone down and if I ask for support, help I will be ignored or let down.  The fear drives the emotion, this I know. The key is to be vulnerable, take steps to ask without expectation, have much gratitude then be patient for the results to arrive when they are meant to. 

I found that I could cry if I have to, talk it out to release and then the light would follow. Someone said to me  recently . "Everything you need including your knowingness is already in your heart. The doubts come from human wants and filters."

We all need to find our own ways to work through our fears, filters and doubts. What I do know is that if resilience is a superpower, then I have it. If there is a superpower about finding the good in the hard stuff, then I have that too.

I think that if we go back to all those hard things, challenges, changes in our lives we will find consistent behaviors, thinking and a remarkable energy that granted us a greater way of being. It is up to you to discover and connect with those gifts so that every day you enhance the possibilities not just for yourself but for the greater good of humankind, humankind. We are in a place where your light, your superpower needs to be shared not hidden in the shadows.

Take a moment to recollect and recall and see what you discover. Drop me a comment and let me know what you discovered about you.

ME xx

PS: Keep being brilliantly you and I will be here waiting to celebrate your super powers.

Cancer and Grief

 Dear Soul ...

Grief creeps in when we least expect it to have experienced it a number of times over the years, more than I would like in truth. This emotional roller coaster and stages is not something you get used to you do however learn how to adapt.

Life encounters bring with them an innumerable number of possibilities both strikingly fabulous and dangerously difficult. Either we celebrate with ecstatic joy or mourn with great sadness and melancholy. None of which we can control outcomes, only our resolve on how to get through them.

This blog reveals a part of my life, a heartfelt story of how to get through a tragic health crisis and find light, love and greater resilience, vulnerability and healing.  For all of this know that I am deeply grateful.

During the beginning of my cancer diagnosis the phrase "Stage 3 - Invasive Ductal Carcinoma" meant for me that I had cancer. Nothing more nothing less. The word cancer alone was sufficient for me to wake up and smell the coffee so to speak. It got my attention loudly with a feeling we have socialized cancer as  dirty work to mean a death sentence.

As I worked through the first stages of my diagnosis, I relied upon my intuition to guide me through the language. It seem easier that when I moved through going from Stage 2 to Stage 3,  that mentally I keep it at just a number. In all honesty I didn't take the time to investigate like I usually would because emotionally preparing for surgery then Chemo, (which initially was not going to be offered), followed by radiation seemed more important. This was big picture stuff, and I knew instinctively it would throw me off course. 

A course that was about staying positive and finding anchors, things to help me get through mentally, emotionally, and spiritually get through. Visual thoughts that were things to look forward to - mine was a beach with sand in my feet and the warm sun on my face. As a side note that would not have been possible if it weren't for one of my best friends/family Stephen DeSede. His way of being helped me to find it possible.

This meant my choice and focus was not about information gathering about cancer. It has been two years since I started my aggressive chemo, so I thought today was a good day to dip my toe into the waters of understanding invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. This wondering started because I had read a note in my chart and did not understand it. I had to find out what it meant; hence the slippery slope gathered momentum and lead me to search what Stage Three means in medical terms. 

As it turns out there are three subcategories for each Stage 3, A B and C with a grading of 1-3. and  two types of breast cancers - Ductal Carcinoma In situ DCIS and Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. The first diagnosis is DCIS and during surgery as samples are gathered, that pathology may change. Educating oneself about your health particularly when it is serious,  at the right time I realized today is a significant choice to consider as part of your lifelong expedition.

With much gratitude I am grateful that today I decided to learn more about my cancer diagnosis so that I was not feeling like I am in the dark or ignorant as to my discernment of chart notes. I am equally grateful to be alive and here because self-education shaped a greater awareness of my condition and why my current chemo treatment is so important in the long run. As hard and painstakingly difficult some days are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as I continue treatment, I realize being here, present alive is my greatest gift and ally for this battle. 

A battle I grieved today with great gouts of tears, letting go completely at the realization how fortunate I am, the country that I live in, the cancer hospital that aids in my treatment plans. I grieve the loss of my health, only to be filled with greater compassion and thirst to live life in a state of thriving rather than survival. I grieve the monumental load I carried through surgery, chemo, and radiation, not realizing the true extent of my diagnosis. I grieve because in truth I did not have the time to do so because I chose to live with light and care for my daughter, hold down a job and get through treatment. 

As the years have passed by, I have learned that grieving takes time and when you take the time on your terms, healing will happen. Today was my time to let things sink in, cry - weep - shed the dregs of an experience to let go of a potential negative inertia. An inertia, if I had chosen earlier in this expedition may have sunk the ship beyond recognition.

Keeping your inertia going whether positive or negative is important, obviously for me positive is much more productive. As I previously mentioned letting go and opening up a release valve of things that stay inside me was my best medicine today. Acknowledging the seriousness of my condition, deciding that life was about thriving instead of survival and allowing my soul to flood the earth with tears cultivated healing in my soul garden.

Now my goals are geared toward finding ways to thrive so that I can survive the 5-year battle with compassion, love, hope, joy, passion and purpose.  My purpose is clear to thrive is to create meaningful moments to look forward to, back on and that means now is more important than yesterday or tomorrow.

My challenge and hope for you is that you do the same, create meaningful moments to look forward to everyday, to let go of survival and find your way to thrive. Life is too short and is meant to be lived each and every minute with extraordinary enthusiasm.

Photo Credit:
Grief: https://prma-enhance.com/breast-reconstruction-blog/the-five-stages-of-cancer-grief/
https://journeyingbeyondbreastcancer.com/2017/11/22/on-the-messiness-of-grief/

Learning Curves - Finding my True North Inwardly

Dear Soul ...

I really do not know what to say or express today as I am feeling lost. Lost in not feeling well physically and emotionally. Emotionally because discovered I had been keeping myself small.  What a huge realization that was.  This was of course exacerbated by the physical pain I was experiencing, the magnification of the soul. 

When asked, “tell everyone what you do or about yourself,” I snuffed out the candle. It was like I got stage fright and rather than freeze I blurted out what felt most comfortable so that there wasn’t any dead air.

Timing of life is ever present for me and knowingly I see something I didn't know that I didn’t know. It is so easy for me to share, celebrate, acknowledge, and embrace the greatness and wonderful achievements of others. When it comes time to see myself in the mirror, the words got stuck, I splutter, I fall short.

Falling short for yourself somehow feels like a boulder in the middle of the road. I don’t think that is true, and upon further inner thought, it was me creating the boulder because I expected myself to be a certain way and measure up. Measure up to that haunting “who do you think you are.’

This is very real when you have experienced tests in life. Tests that seek to define you. Similar cycles will show up unexpectedly. It takes courage and intestinal fortitude (guts)  to lovingly acknowledge them, find grace for yourself, dust yourself off and get back up.

To love who you are means getting back up when you don’t want to or have bravery to do so. My mettle today depended on me to rise. I realize dear soul that self-love is about accepting that you may fall short at a moment when you need to show up. In that moment to provide grace and see what you needed to learn and what really arrived underneath all of that.

What was underneath all of that was – perfectionism, comparison, and shame. Perfectionism haunts the soul with expectations that exceed our capacity and rob us of being present to what we have. Comparison was a thief of my joy today. These are still things I get to work on every day and honestly for that I am glad - like a painting, a masterpiece in the works - imperfectly perfect.

I created a narrative that I had to be a certain caliber of person to be considered successful and that my success was meaningless if I didn’t fit. I see that "fitting in" is quite different than belonging. Fitting in is about giving up a portion of yourself to fit into the vision of another. Belonging is about owning who we are and not negotiating it.

Self-love has a sense of belonging to ourselves where we tend to the garden of our soul. We have a responsibility to nurture our roots in positive fertile soil. The fertilizer are those principles, values, understanding and meaning that we connect with. Connecting on a level that increases our range of vibration, enlightenment, and deep self -expression.

 Back to my candle, a symbol of light, enlightenment and being true to myself in an authentic way. To be authentic is to be genuine. To be with exactness what you claim, with implications that you or the article/art/works can be trusted as real, without question.

 When we are being true to ourselves, we are connecting to that faithful higher version of ourselves. When we move away from those things that bind our souls, in my understanding we become fake. Yes, we can fake it till we make it but who are we kidding? Eventually it catches up with us and we have to face that mirror, that reflection.

Struggles are not an indicator of inauthenticity, its about finding our true self, our true north soulfully. I found a part of me that needed a true north growth moment where I got down in the garden of my soul and weeded through those weeds that choak my light.

My light ever present within me beckons for truth. Truth that brings the life force of water to nourish my parched soul. Water that fills me up and brings hope to keep working through my struggles and not give up on me. The truth is I am a student of life ever evolving and learning. I will fall short, make mistakes, crash, burn and totally screw up. I am grateful for forgiveness and the grace that brings at any juncture or crossroad of my life that I get to try again until I am confident in myself, my path, and my true north.

Let’s ask that questions again:  - “Tell everyone what you do or about yourself,” (this time with passion and purpose, no fear or judgement)

 My name is Michelle Harwood Lange.

My life have given me the experience to take the ordinary within me and work life in an extraordinary, enlightening way. In the last 3-5 years I have been  blessed to work behind the scenes for the Imperfectly Perfect Campaign (IPC) writing and developing a phenomenal copy for their United States website, working closely with the founder Glenn Marsden. I have also had the fortune to be a ghostwriter for the IPC Vol 1 book, using my writing to successfully express meaningful experiences in a way that paints a picture the author’s truth.

 

When I am not writing my own blog, hosting my own radio show for Radio Hawkes Bay,  share my story through speaking, being a parent of a RAD daughter, I am an advocate for others, helping them through inspiration to see their light within.

 

 

 

 

Gratitude Elevates

 Dear Soul ...

Today I want to share my gratitude for you. Gratitude is not just a platitude, it is a sense of readiness to appreciate all that you have.  A way of being that brings JOYFUL PURPOSE.  I love this BE attitude, because of the valuable energy it gives.

I am grateful for the strength and courage you display even when life feel uncertain. 

I am grateful how you bare yourself freely, without reservation being true to who you are.  It brings joy to know that you willing choose everyday to live into you.

I am grateful that you have done hard things, the kind of hard things that tested your mettle early so that when those arrows showed up later in life you had been prepared beforehand.

I am grateful for your abundance of faith in God.

I am grateful for how you are willing to learn and have gratitude for your life lessons.

I am grateful for your patience in teaching your daughter how to see her ability

I am grateful for how you strive to move past your fears, so you can see your real capacity under the soot.

I am grateful for your courage to be vulnerable

There is a sense of gratitude for who you are becoming and are, grounded in a sure place with strong roots of soul principles like kindness, patience, compassion, acceptance, understanding, unconditional love and forgiveness.  Each of these I see you strive to remember daily for yourself and those around you.

With Love and Light

ME xx

 P. S.  When life gets dark and gloomy give thanks a go - write down with real intent things and experiences that you are grateful for and watch your mood and energy change. With practice your attitude of gratitude will grow and so will your vibrations.

Picture Credits:

Did you Know Gratitude - Mind Movies

Gratitude Changes Everything - Forbes Magazine

https://www.forbes.com/sites/janicemarturano/2023/06/14/how-can-a-simple-2-step-mindful-gratitude-practice-change-my-life/?sh=623f612611bf

I am Grateful For:

https://www.namidanecounty.org/blog/2020/4/14/how-to-start-a-gratitude-journal

Responding

Dear Soul ...

Today has been a different day. Amidst day-to-day life and work a discovery of music, learning and self-understanding,  and parenting challenges with my daughter who has special circumstances and needs extra help, love, and support showed up. As these words are being typed, there is a realization that the day is much the same as usual, only my response to changes and challenges is different. Response rather than reaction. What is the difference?

The difference being – a reaction is emotionally based and is grown from past hard experiences we grew into behaviorally, not necessarily of our choosing, to survive the ugly or that we saw what we went through was normal. Conditioned behavior based on circumstances and environment. It is like learning what is hot or cold. We know that rats, monkey’s, and dogs can be trained to have conditioned responses – like Pavlov’s dog. We do the same through our own encounters,  learn from those that teach us, and from what we see. Like sponges we soak it up and parts of our sponges are darkened by what we suffer through.

Decisions can be made once we have an awareness to change how we react, much respond. Reacting is a catalyst like a chemical explosion. We gain self -understanding when we ask ourselves the right questions – why do I cry? why am I afraid, what do I seek and want? Who am I? Where am I in my life cycle? How can I change what I do? Sometimes we may not know the answers to these questions and need to seek answers from other sources. For some it may mean making some serious decisions about who does not get to remain in their lives due to toxicity, while others are faced with less complicated choices. Choices determine how we show up in any given situation.

What I am about to say may not make any sense, however for me it did as I searched. I wanted to learn to respond from a place  that comes from an honest heart, which was willing to change. I knew the benefits of change would enable that flicker of a flame within me to grow rather than allowing something or someone to snuff it out. Truthfully, I didn’t want to continue to snuff out my light and just let it smolder amongst ashes of the hurt anymore. Hurt begins to tell on you inside your body and if having cancer was an indicator, well you know the rest of that thought – toxic.

It was important that I found a greater purpose within myself and accept that healing was part of my journey at every stage of life  no matter how young or old I was. No longer did I want that inner turmoil to bubble up like a tornado or volcano. I am more than my hurt and I have always known that. Experience refines us not defines us. Our identity is not our scars. Our scars are our gifts of greater love and learning. Who I was becoming and would become as I spent time nurturing myself was no longer negotiable on any terms, not even for myself.

To have love, light and personal empowerment takes giving yourself those nurturing gifts, including celebrating monumental achievements. The latter is something that I am working on and that was realized today in a session with my therapist.

You see my state of mind during these last ten to twelve months of treatment have added new insights - a risk for depression due to the biological hormone changes because of the 5-year pill – hormone blockers that lower estrogen levels. Early signals, familiar emotional changes akin to being pregnant were the red flags. Crying at a drop of a hat, moody, agitated, out of sorts, sad and for me at times depressed.

Again how do I want to respond or react to these life changes – to nurture myself soul heart and mind is my response. Sourcing new information and enlightenment provided a channel to govern transformation. I felt certain this method would create new undiscovered discernments and my intuition was right.

Can you see how we respond rather than react makes all the difference? We get clarity by responding whereas reacting leaves  us stuck in the quagmire of our past behaviors and hurts that will surface as we experience life. I have found a safe space within me to build upon myself with love, peace, and calm.

As I close out this post today, I want to keep my commitment to myself and to my therapist and nurture within me a greater capacity to celebrate a huge achievement which will remain that way throughout my life. 

With fresh courage, with all I have and a deep breath, this soul centered woman, ME, got vulnerable and shared part of her life story in a  chapter for the Imperfectly Perfect Campaign Volume 1 book  – The stories you have been waiting to hear. This is the inaugural first volume with twenty-one authors, celebrities and everyday people who have overcome life challenges, including mental health diagnosis. An anthology of inspiring stories you will want to read.

I must say that I am blown away, considering what I was going through at the time – recovering from cancer treatment that I mustered all my courage to say Yes. I was determined not to give up and through it all I owned every word I typed. Before you say it, yes this is a little free advertising and why not, the rule of engagement is that I beat to the rhythm of my own drum and algorithm. Afterall it’s a once in a lifetime celebration for me. 

Let me celebrate Rapunzel style - I DID IT – I GOT OUT OF THE TOWER AND I CONTRIBUTED AS A CO AUTHER IN A BOOK. NO MOTHER GOTHEL ( THE NAY SAYERS AND THOSE THAT WANT TO KEEP ME SMALL).

It was me breathing in life and choosing to thrive. Throughout today I chose to respond in a way that my soul languages were present, - I found that sharing a little more love, being patient, showing understanding and forgiveness followed by kindness created harmony within myself and those I interacted with.

I encourage to you think before you react.  Think about how your reaction or response will affect others.  Find space that brings harmony to your life and those that surround you. Responding is easier on your soul than reaction. Remember your energy is precious, don’t give it away to those who are not kind to it. Keep being brilliantly you because there is no other version in all the universe quite like you or will there ever be. You get to live life fully your way.

 

P. S.

Here are the links to pre-order a copy of the Imperfectly Perfect Campaign Book.

Imperfectly Perfect Campaign: The Stories You Have Been Waiting To Hear by Glenn Marsden, Paperback | Barnes & Noble® (barnesandnoble.com)

 Imperfectly Perfect Campaign: The Stories You Have Been Waiting To Hear (Paperback) - Walmart.com

 

The Burning Questions

 Dear Soul ...

When change arrives in your life in a dramatic way it is hard to discern direction to go and what to feel. In those intense moments we are more likely to react rather than respond. I can recall many a time where my emotions have driven my reaction in situations that were emotionally volatile, and circumstances were laden with heaviness.

Over the years and certainly in more recent times, I have found writing and art to be a catalyst to get me through. Secondly, it has been seeking words, understanding through inspiring words or others in social media discerned at an intuitive level and books. One of those books that has been a source to change my mindset and thinking was "Change your Questions Change your Life", by Wendy Watson Nelson. Even the title brings a sense of thriving and hope.

There is a statement in the book:

"Questions can bring remarkable healing in undeniable ways. They can bring hope."

I believe this to be true. I found the more questions I asked myself, even without answering, I got to the root of what was buried deep within me. Let me share my writing from February 26th, 2022, while in the midst of chemo.

"Staring me in the face is the raw truth of being diagnosed with cancer and yet all I can see today is not my cancer but how I have lived my life. and how have I touched the life of another. I was reminded of what I learned in college - to paraphrase.

How have I lived a meaningful life - not for myself but for others?

To be more succinct and exacting. Have I learned to have a life of meaning? This brings to mind three important questions.

                    1.    Have I contributed something meaningful?

                    2.    Am I a good person?

                    3.    Who did I love and who loved me?

                    4.    How have I contributed to the lives of others for good?

                    5.    What legacy am I leaving behind? Is it about things or people?

These were deep and meaningful questions and that brought a thought process that was a culmination of seeing the essence of my mortality pass before me and what had I done with life. Let me get back to the conversation I had with myself in the format of the written word.

"I would hope that my life is moving in a meaningful direction, having touched the lives of many that after my lifetimes are gone would say ... Michelle Lange, Michelle Harwood was a light, had influence, loved unconditionally, inspired,  loved life fiercely and helped man. That she lived life fully and it showed even in the worst of times.

It seems that the character of who we are is found in the words of impact another says of you. That is a lifetime legacy that when told lasts through generations. What story or even do you want to weave into the fabric of your life and the life of another?

 Will your story be retold and regaled in the pavilions of light, or will you stay stuck in the shadows where the vibrancy of life dares not touch you? Yes, there are shadows and winters in life but after the thaw and healing along that journey  there is always color, hope, love, and opportunity. We choose to put life on hold instead of celebrating it fully with all we have.

 In those precious moments we find a path back to the river of life - the joy in child’s laughter, a smile, a thank you, kindness, a hello, music, the warmth of the sun on your face. All bring a gift to kiss our soul gently to awaken us to the now of life.

Arise, celebrate, and embrace all you have. To  E M B R A C E is a commitment to live into:

E – Energy

M – Mindful Mindsight

B – Be Compassionate, Be Light

R – Resilience

A – Altitude of Gratitude

C – Channel Choice

E – Everyone Everyday

What I have learnt so far on this journey is to allow life to touch you. Meaning grieve the loss  knowing there are possibilities to get through the moment. You can shift from the experience with a sense of empowerment if and I add if you choose. That is the very key – You own and make the choice not to stay stuck and to when the emotions subside respond in a way that finds love, light, and learning. By allowing what you feel, your are readying yourself to accept the journey, the experience and love that process. To find love for your experience, the process, you arm and empower your very soul to seek divine illumination.”

In the remaining five pages of discovery these questions elicited, ( before you ask, we will get back to them on another day) you can see the right questions bring a multitude of new insights – treasures undiscovered but found with questions.

Writing gives me an opportunity to question what I know, ask questions, and connect to my higher self which in any difficult or treacherous journey in life, a spiritual alliance with a higher power demands it. We live in a world where daily we encounter negative energy, relentless attacks on our wellbeing, our livelihood to live a full and joyful life. Discerning my truths comes from asking questions, seeking inspiration, and listening intuitively for greater spiritual insights and strength.

Strength when coupled with faith and belief creates action. Action that builds my character to BECOME, to Be understanding, Be Compassionate, Be Forgiving – my BE ATTITUDES – soul languages that bring heartfelt questions if you listen for the whisper. 

When you ask yourself the right question, the perspective changes. Change means exploring differences which brings information. Information that you may not have seen before. As I write the last words may I challenge you to when you have important questions to seek answers to, be sure you are well rested, have eaten, feel supported, loved, and needed and have grounded your soul to positive energy. 

New Normal - Hello Gorgeous

Dear Soul ...

In today's world change happens quickly and with the rising cost of living, demands of our time and energy things are vastly different in comparison to our childhood. I grew up I feel in a simpler time where being a kid was just that. We had worries, but not to the degree this young generation has in 2024.

With that gap due to technology, socialized behaviors and changes in social expectations, and declining health both physical and mental adapting creates a new normal. Let me quantify normal – what you do , how you do life each and every day your way and when there is a disruption to that way of being, it is no longer the same, hence creating a new normal.

I have recovered from Stage Three Invasive Ductal Carcinoma – aka Breast Cancer and with that there were many new normal and adaptations to life. None is more prevalent and in the front of my mind as I write this blog. During my chemo treatment, I acquired a new normal – neuropathy in my hands and feet. This dis – ease creates sensations of glass shards in your fingers, numbness and burning in my feet and hands. The capacity to have strength in my hands has diminished significantly so therein adapting mentally and physically is needed. I cannot go back to my former self and only move forward.

In the forward motion there is a need to give yourself grace and love that there will be good days, hard days, and super challenging days with neuropathy  On the super challenging days I need walking assistance of a cane or a mobile chair at the grocery store. With grace and compassion, I could see that this was not a time to mentally beat myself up as to why I wasn’t physically like I used to be. The truth is in my now I could never go back, life has already taken place and although I have a physical limit, the spiritual and emotional growth far outweighs the discomfort.

Today more than ever, I realized as I experienced a limit that it was my turn to love and care for me in a way that put me first. :Putting myself first is not something I have been stellar at over the years. A short-term sacrifice for a long-term gain. A gain that is needed if I am to continue moving step by step through the stages of my breast cancer treatment.

Treatments that continue to test my mettle, my grit, my thriving. The pancake stacking of side effects takes courage to be vulnerable with yourself about. It is easy to pretend as if all is well when truthfully you are not. It does not ease the discomfort or give you greater energy to keep going if anything it masks and depletes your spiritual self. Having self-integrity means you don’t hide; you get honest and seek those in your inner circles who can help bear your burden, hold you up and keep you accountable to yourself.

 

As I sat today, fully aware of the effects of the pain medicine, still experiencing pain, I realized that there has to be a coping skill that thwarts the onslaught of long-term pain. As the zings propelled tears to my eyes and I felt totally overwhelmed, I looked up. A gentle smile moved across my face, and I saw the answer. A picture hung on the wall, and it simply said – Hello Gorgeous. 

Gorgeous – beautiful, attractive, pleasant, splendid, brilliant, and magnificent. I am me and have the potential to be and feel all those things amidst my greatest life challenge. I get to choose how to respond beautifully, with a splendid, pleasant brilliance. Think of those words – with splendid, pleasant brilliance. Every moment of the day we get to choose our responses and “Hello Gorgeous” was my antidote in small and simple things of the day when pain or medication side affects are present, things I cannot control, however my response to these things is entirely up to me.

The pain has subsided, the nausea ever present, and I am grateful for today where I got to see how I can assist hard things in becoming pleasant, gentle, and filled with my kind of brilliance. Here is the challenge for you, find ways to turn those frown moments upside down and inside out. Seek to find your splendid, pleasant, brilliant responses as you go throughout your day with gratitude on your heart.

The Shame Vs Guilt Conversation

 Dear Soul ...

In moments of doubt and fear I have found myself letting go of the very thing I need to connect with the most. On the heels of a new year, I have decided to do as I learnt many years ago to face the fear and do those things that cause discomfort. It has become clear over the years that I can do hard things and that hard things mean we get uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable with subject matter, encouraging vulnerability and being true to who I am are necessary ingredients. Certainly 57 years of life does account for something and that something is experience. 

Today's experience is about letting go of the conversations in my head that seer the words into my mind that I have nothing valuable to contribute and who do I think I am. 

Those words came from a place of shame rather than guilt. I love how during particularly difficult moments in my life those mind conversation demons show up.  Over the last 12months or more, my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energy has been depleted due to ongoing cancer treatments, I knew that there had to come a time when my very life breath needed me to understand how to heal and move through those conversations.

I am grateful for divine intervention in the fabric of my life that brought to me an explanation from Brene Brown about shame, vulnerability, and guilt. It was as if the windows of heaven opened up my mind and gave me a gust of fresh air. I felt like the Grinch where my soul grew two inches that day.

As I refresh my memory to gather my words in order to share my experience, my fingertips wander to google to see the words that lifted my soul. This is hard and I see myself as I write use avoidant behavior rather than get vulnerable. I said I would get you a Coke and gave you a Pepsi instead.

Okay here goes, as I revisited Brene's Ted Talks, listened intently to find those magical phrases, I found a greater truth. Don't you love how the universe throws you a curve ball in the middle of revisiting learning? Has that ever happened to you?

As I listened with my whole heart, the words found my soul again. I  choked back the tears; I realized today exactly where some damaging shame came from. My whole being was harrowed up in intense grief, an inner child aha moment. The flow of tears I could not, would not stop because this new learning is meant for me to get real and vulnerable about. A lifelong journey to heal that sweet child who at the drop of  five words at the age of nine, felt shame. Brene Brown  discusses shame in the following way:  

[...] "shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: 

Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, 

that I won't be worthy of connection?"

This was the lifelong crucible of internal pain that ignited me soul, heart, and mind. Those words told me there was something about me that I was not worthy of connection with a loved one. To mention this very experience grieves my soul, however the antidote to this shame is empathy. I feel for the pain the person carried who said that their own not enough and who do they think they are. Those later words who do you think you are seem to echo in the recesses of my memory where more shame showed up in my adult years. 

Up until that eventful day of reckoning, and even today as I write,  I have spent the last 40 years trying to understand the pain I felt. A pain that is very real. It made sense as to why I have always wondered where I belonged and why I felt different, not in a good way, but in a very dark imperfect, why am I here way. I believe as Brene Brown describes it best: 

  [...] “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.”  

Shame is a part of life and can show up on a daily basis - appearance, body image, mental and physical health to name a few. Understanding the role shame has and their bed partners such as guilt will unfold a new way of thinking. What I have cultivated about shame and guilt has come about through being a student of lifelong learning. That initial blow of greater enlightenment forged a rush of emotion that I instinctively want to know more about. There is a difference between and shame and guilt, with the help of Brene Brown and other shame researchers and emotion researchers, it can be explained in the most effective way as:

"Shame is “I am bad;” guilt is “I did something bad. [...]  Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad."  Guilt is "I did something bad." 

The programmed behavior behind shame, you know those tapes "never good enough" --  and as I heard these words that wonderful day of learning ...

[...] , if you can talk it out of that one, "who do you think you are?"  Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.

Internal conversations or tapes were very much about never good enough and who do you think you are. It was a daily struggle that I was committed to discover the  truth about. Honestly, it plagued me to the core of my very soul and no matter how hard I tried, there was not much that worked until  ... Until I found Brene Brown's TED talks.

Talks that helped me to understand the difference between shame and guilt, and how I could change those internal messages and conversations. To be aware, you need a sense of awareness. I was aware of the "who do you think you are," but didn't know the why. This information became a catalyst for greater change, self-love and identifying the emotion that was holding me captive for a number of years now. My resilience grew as I ingratiated myself with an abundance of self-love and conversations that gave a loving answer filled with hope, joy, and support. I really had to dig deep to find love for who I was, who I thought I was because thoughts are things and there is an energy that is derived from your very thoughts. 

 My answer to "who do you think you are:" is this as I round out this post:

I am Michelle. I think and believe that God from the very moment I took my first breath as a preemie, sent me here to experience many things. Those things grew unwavering compassion, understanding, love, acceptance, and forgiveness as soulful responders to life challenges. I know that I have been tested in this life not to fail but to learn and grow in each step. I am here to be an inspiration sharing my seasoned wisdom through the written word, my voice and etheric art. I think that my life has meaning and purpose - of my choosing.

I no longer think who I am, instead I have come to know I am a gifted, powerful writer, who sees words as a  place to receive a vision possible, share a story from the heart (courage) and being authentically true to yourself with an honest vulnerability.  Most of all I am loveable, I am resilient, strong, capable, understanding and wise.

As a final note - grab a pen, paper and find quiet space - take some time to answer the question - "Who do you think you are?" at first it may be negative and challenging to look through that lens. 

Throw away those writings that do not serve you or share light about you.  It may take several attempts.  During each self-interaction - Breath deeply, believe in yourself, sprinkle loads of love, self truth in that writing and discover you. Remember if there is shame, the antidote is empathy.  Know that your brilliance is waiting to find you.  

Looking Forward

Dear Soul ...

We all have moments where we find space to think things through often precipitated by a random thought and no competing needs. You know those quiet moments, before you start your day and you quietly lay in bed deciding if you should get up or slip back into the warmth of more silent slumber.

I had such a moment over the holidays where I allowed my mind to wander to see what it would bring me in self-understanding and realization as I reflected. Self-reflection is good for the soul, you either keep or let go of what you see and feel, and it is a great way to be mindful, housekeeping.

On this particular Saturday morning as I meandered through the quagmire of my mind, I came to realize some significant happenings - learning albeit brief as far as posts go, in some small and simple way, you will find what you are seeking.

I have been battling cancer for two years now and with that journey there is much to learn, a quandary of things that you do not know that you do not know and the stuff you are told. If feel these can either be deterrents to finding a more positive space or life lessons. Often, I felt lost not knowing what to do so I put my student of life hat on to discover greater knowledge.

In my roaming thoughts this is what I found - a profound question.

How do you look forward to life after such a difficult challenge that brings with it new paths and new discoveries?

Deep from such a quiet Saturday morning waltz through my mind and incredibly significant to current circumstances. This question is not just applicable to those who may be experiencing cancer, it is for all of us who have found ourselves experiencing life in such a morose, cranky, ill-tempered, sullen, and difficult way. How do you find the impetus to keep going, to enjoy?

The answer seemed to waffle through my mind like a gentle breeze, it was clear and understandable.

Find gratitude - I express my deepest encouragement to record gratitude as a meaningful moment that matters. We are not just talking about saying, I am grateful for my car, my job, my house. Yes, that matters, however truly find the power of gratitude requires digging deep. Let me share an example:  "I am grateful for my life and the challenges I have faced that have brought me the gift of who I am today."

 

Live - Live life to the fullest the best you can everyday making a difference to you first. Accept that there may be limits related to health, career, and responsibilities, however you get to adapt life your way around those limits you cannot control. To live is to feel alive in the moment creating opportunities in the now to be very present to what is in front of you with exuberance. An energy that can sustain you. Remember this, know that who you are is how you live life.

This life we live is a social experiment about experience where we search for pleasure, comfort, and entertainment when really what we need is connection, harmony, likeness, purpose, and acceptance. At the root of our relationship with trees are our experiences that will either blossom into a oneness with another or create a weed or two in our life garden.

As you nurture  your light within yourself and those valuable roots, your soul garden can thrive even in the greatest of storms. All you have to do is look around you after a storm and see what you see standing - a mighty tree who tends to be roots ensuring there is strength and nourishment there. Your soul fortifying fertilizers are  SELF - See - Engage - Life Force - compassion, forgiveness, faith/belief, understanding and acceptance.

In all that I have experienced, fear has been a catalyst to render me incapable of seeing my potential. I have been blinded, frozen in mid step by the mists of a great darkness that can engulf your mind and keep you ensnared for minutes, hours, day and even weeks. Music and the written word were my key to freeing me from such dark bondage. The words that ironically freed me and brought to the surface by the universe were those of Nelson Mandela. He said, "May your choices reflect your hopes and not your fears." 

Be fully aware of the lens in which you live life - full alive or afraid.  You have within you just as I discovered to disperse that mist and move into the light by your choosing, knowing that it is a work in progress. We are each a work in progress - imperfectly perfect.

I am grateful to each of you for taking time to share a moment or two with me. May you have wings of flight to move through and above the noise of life and find the richness of who you are grounded in good soil with an abundance of gifts yet to spring from the roots of who you are.