One cannot image the deluge of thought that plagues your mind when after 40 or more years of breast self-examinations (BSE), how haunting it is to discover a lump. I became more diligent and pedantic in my actions from that moment forward. Every day attempting to diffuse the discovery to nothing more than just fatty tissue or just big breast, my breasts. Then the pain began, striking fear into the very heart of the matter. It was searing pain like engorgement with breast milk, and you cannot pump or allow your baby to suckle just to release the tension.
The truth had arrived, and my
truth was that it was time to do something about it. Did the thought of cancer
cross my mind - resoundingly YES? But again, that was not possible, ME have
cancer. NO damn way and not now - in the prime of enjoying life such as it is
in the middle of an almost 2-year pandemic.
I learned from my late husband
the phrase - "Trust but verify." It was time to trust what I
felt and have a medical professional either deny or concur with my findings. Late
September and it was a beautiful sunny day. Unafraid I sat patiently in a room,
fidgeting as if something major was about to happen. I sent a voice note to my
soul-heart best friend, Jon while I agonizingly waited. The minutes ticking by
slowly. It was dreadful, then in a hiss and gentle roar in bounds my physician
with a broad beaming smile, saying Hello and what brings me in to see him. The
nerves gone; I find myself sheepishly expressing my concerns about a lump in my
breast.
Upon examination, the evidence
right there before both of us, eliminated any doubt that this was not something
else and a lump. The usual prescribed mammogram was up for bat and to my
surprise availability was only two days away. As I slowly walked down the
hallways of that hallow space, I felt relieved but now markedly concerned. A
mammogram, my first. Yes, I was a mammogram virgin. My breasts over the years
had not had the pleasure of smashed, fondled into a corner, squished, or laid out
for all the world to see up to this point.
I knew instinctively what was
about to happen. This was not a forecast but a deep knowing and yet I was not
afraid, that came later when I watched one of my best friends and my youngest
daughter crumble into tears at the news. The news that based on the mammogram,
without biopsy, I had breast cancer, however not a lump but two. My reaction
that day was to call all my family to let them know, it was not easy being
brave to share the news. It takes strength not to personalize reactions and yes,
I had my moments of wanting to hang up, say something mean but as my wise Mum
said you must understand how they must feel hearing that you, someone they love
has cancer.
The journey of Cancer is not
only about the patient but the family too. They need support and understanding
just as much as I do. Their hearts hurt, feel, and know at the worst, the price
is death, a loss of someone they have spent their whole lives knowing - a best
friend, a colleague, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a niece, a grand-daughter,
a mother, and a wife. The toll for those left to endure such a horrific illness
is worth a hundred lifetimes.
Lifetimes have passed and I am
not the first or last to have a diagnosis of Cancer. I will be the first to see
the gift of this experience and find my courage, lessons, and strength in it. About
two to three days after this moment that I joked that I had the two for one
special and how do you buy bras for different sized breast. Will that be one
cup or two I said to one of my girlfriends in the wake of the aftermath.
God blessed me to be a well-endowed
woman and now the prospect of losing a breast caused me to feel the pain
emotionally of understanding what that loss may mean if it happened at all. I
left the forecasting of what was to come behind, understanding I had another
medical procedure that would seal the radiologists’ findings. The biopsy procedure
is the very moment, where certainty revealed, without compunction or question. I
was not afraid, I was grateful, yes grateful that in my lifetime, a cancer
diagnosis at this time and place gave me the opportunity to have hope because
science and technology had evolved so much more.
With a smile and being
unapologetically myself, I ventured into the place of discovery and found two
amazing woman made of the best soul heart connectivity I had ever chanced to
meet in such a life altering moment. Their care, concern and conversation made
all the difference especially when that vulnerable childlike soul swallowed
back the tears in a wincing reaction to pain, the understanding of what was
happening and feeling alone. Alone in the moment finding my courage and
strength to breath, appreciate, and find patience with the process. It was my
moment to stand into myself, believing that I had not come this far for
nothing.
I had not experienced a serious
depression, buried two children and a husband, been homeless and made redundant
twice to give up now. This was my moment of really digging in. A vision of
seeing what I capable of creating to overcome. The results were in and even the
Radiologist had to contain her emotions as she told me I had the most common
breast cancer - Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.
My truth, my reality, I have
Cancer with a small 'C". When you face such a diagnosis, a shrill sound
goes through your soul heart and mind as stand in the reflection of your own
mortality. But it is a moment, it is not a definition of who I am now, and I am
not closing this chapter on my life as if I were handed a death sentence. I
understand for a handful of newly diagnosed cancer patients, which is exactly
how they feel; nothing prepares you for that. I feel your loss the moment you
closed your eyes, drew breath, and gave up. I have given up a million times, most
especially, in 2005 when I lost my son, only to stand up and remember that I am
worth fighting for, creating about, and living into.
I unapologetically wear my heart on my sleeve, cry over dog, babies, small children, 9-11, taps, a tragedy, chic flicks and a first kiss with someone special. I love life, remember that I am committed to forgiveness and gratitude in every breath I take. My heart sinks when I hear my Mum's voice say goodbye on the phone and it feels like the very last time especially now.
There is a deep knowing of life experiences
that I chose to use my shear will, moving forward, one step at a time. These events
in time, because that is all they are now, have not defined me. It is a refinement
of my soul perspective that chooses to see the deliciously, deliriously amazing
feelings of joy, hope, love, craving, passion, happy, purpose, wonderment,
surprise, learning, achieving, giving, serving, laughter and so much, much, more.
My anthem is this ...
I CAN-CERTAINLY WIN EVERY
DAY WHEN I CONNECT TO SOUL LANGUAGE POWERS
C - Constancy in belief of self
and my courage to have joy in this MOMENT
A - Answer to the call to live
into your NOW
N - Now has arrive to be
present to all my life CREATIONS
C - Champion your soul
languages as a SOURCE
E - Embrace energy that grows
from a choice of
POSITIVE POWER
R - Release all unbelief to
restore FAITH,
HOPE, LOVE & JOY
