Recently I promised myself that the Michelle Moments blogging would recommence with haste. I could feel it in my bones, that I had something to say and wanted to move past the so call “shoulding” in my life that in part placed value on pleasing others.
As I deliberated on what I wanted to discuss, it became noticeably clear to me what mattered most. Writing is my muse, my creation of self-expression. In that expression, for me, there needs to be certain elements which are at the center of what I create for others to read, learn from and grow into. Those elements are honest, vulnerable and true conversations so that you the reader can relate to it. In this world of media consumption experts have an opinion of how you ought to follow them, like or share. In this space it is my sincere and most profound desire to create an opportunity to lift you up from where you are. What you get from these moments, how it resonates for you is entirely up to you and, you alone.
As a spiritual being having a human experience, in all that I have learned these last few years, the elemental message is, “To thine own self be true." My goal, it is to have an expression with a voice of grace, love understanding and acceptance, guided by those soul centered languages that mean so much to me.
Once I decided to take on board writing again, it did not take long before the struggle with my inner programming began. The self-capitulated conversation where your mind lets you know what you are about to embark on is of no use and that you are not up to task.
Honestly, it was not pretty at all inside. The walls were a dark abyss, and I was the scared, vulnerable 6-year-old girl afraid of the dark. Afraid that what I knew about myself was true, I was not enough. These demons had loomed their head for years, starting from a couple of significant traumatic events which unbeknown to me weaved a dark entanglement that would last a lifetime or two. I will not coat it with sugar or bound it up with fitting words that reflect my astute writing capabilities, in short, the narration was cruel and deep like the crevasse of a glacier.
With that said, the moment begins with knowing that there are parts of who I am that celebrate this moment, while others, relish in the thought to bring front and center the programed behaviors that say I am not enough and how dare I, I am nothing, not sufficiently educated and belong to no one. How do I vanquish such thoughts. It is achieved by appreciating that they arrive and ask them to take a seat, a front row to my life as a reminder that I am more than my thoughts, my life programming, and experiences. The struggle at times is daily, most especially when I move my intentions toward change, a large shift . Once awareness has been aroused from the slumber of unknowing, the work, hard work begins. To have awareness, we are to be aware, and I am very much awake to that. That being the programmed thinking, the life scars instituted by others and myself where the narrative suited the terms and conditions of the moment. Moments inflicted from others and choices I made for myself that I deserved to abuse myself by not speaking up, not accepting who I was or could be. The long winding road has taken a plethora of detours and decades to reach a point where I have stopped pretending what I experienced and put it in its proper perspective without rose colored glasses, excusing behavior, denying, and facing the cold hard facts, truth of what it was. The key here is was.
This does not define me as a person, it has been a catalyst to find who I am and my voice. A voice that I chose to become silent because the battle was real for me to survive in silence, thinking I was keeping the peace. I did not want to hurt anymore and out of shear instinct, knowing that the very core of my soul was at the brink, grieving in anguish. A deep anguish that wanted to leave life behind because I meant nothing or so I believed blindly, foolishly.
The nothing was a great loss to my inner=self. My investments rate of return was decreasing like a black Friday on Wall Street. It is said that the truth will set you free and I believe that. The truth is, I had created a coping skill that became a negative programming. When life shifted, and the anchor of the hurt was no longer a part of my life the sun shone on my soul with such great brilliance that I could see the reflection of my life presently. What a revelation and gift of discovery it was when I realized after receiving a cancer diagnosis that I had taught myself not to speak up or think I was worthy of asking for anything. Meaning, I had curbed asking for myself and now did not know how to do that. Not to mention, my philosophy was if you want anything done, you may as well do it yourself.
Oh, how I had cheated myself, words echoing from my mother loomed like a ghost, one day you are going to be at a place where you need help, and you have to learn to ask." Me at 18 thinking I knew it all, still do not. Back to the cheating, I had cheated my soul from the opportunity to receive. Receive the gift of others and now at the peak of a life changing moment, I knew the struggle would be very real. The NOT ENOUGH, HOW DARE YOU, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE would show up and I had to learn how to give them a front seat in the arena of my life. I did not know how, and my soul grieved in deep, dark tears of pain, of unknowing, of seeking how to love and affirm myself, of bloody hell, what the shit am I doing.
It was the grief of a loss of a relationship in those early months of my cancer treatment, that I realized this was my time, to put on my gumboots, arm myself with love, grace and strength because this battle was going to be on my terms, by myself until I opened up and asked, asked for love, for help, for support and guidance on this journey. My cancer was not about cancer it was about me growing into myself and healing those large dings in my soul so that it wanted to stay and arrive at joy, hope and me. The me who loved life, spoke up and out, found that in my strength I could be weakened, and was not weak. A woman who said that looking gorgeous through a cancer treatment was the best treatment I could give myself living life on my terms, not the diagnosis.
I have cried, I have doubted, I have listened to the voices that remind me of the woman I was, not the woman I was to become through all this. I had to say goodbye to those things that did not serve me.
- FEEL Life for a moment
- UNDERSTAND it is only a moment and not a forever. Give yourself GRACE.
- CURIOSITY is the hallmark of living into learning, see to learn from life moments and find the answer by consuming what lifts you up.
- Keep kindness at the soul heart of all you do. Be mindful of others, remembering kindness to yourself.
My grandfather taught me that when life brings you lemons, make lemonade. Lemonade needs a sprinkle of hope, light, love, and laughter to make it bittersweet when you succeed at those everyday small victories. Having a deep knowing of how we frame life gives us an opportunity to create possibilities from life's lemons. So go love who you be, know you are imperfectly perfect and celebrate the small and simple things of life every day. Be a warrior, captain, champion and take ownership of your life because you are enough and worth it. You belong to you first by loving who you be. Fit into yourself and expand your vision beyond the shoulds of the world or others.
PS - As I close this moment of writing, know that I am deeply nervous, pensive and the negatives show up ... I count backward to disrupt those patterns, so I keep my commitment to share and write.
