Refinement or Defining

Its 330 am and sleep evades me like finding fresh water in a desert. A long time ago a good friend taught me that when sleep fails, it usually because I do not want to face a truth. There is not here, just truth. My truth is as I review my life over the last 3 weeks, 7 months, 1-2 years, it is hard not to get into betrayal with myself by listening to the negative feedback inside my sub conscience mind. my mindsight. Do I see myself with my soul-heart vision or with those human judgement, label driven, comparative, not enough eyes? It is in this moment, taking all the courage I have not to give in to those voice. Voices I have heard often, know well, and accept at times they will arrive.

Arrive they have with a peculiar vengeance, sneaky and sly. Having a profound sense of awareness, I have come to know that they will arrive, and this time fueled by three events in the last two weeks. It is important to understand my journey and my vision over the last 10 months. A year has almost passed by. On an afternoon late in September, my truth with the aid of a mammogram, indeed, I had found a lump. Yet another emotional and riveting life moment when the radiologist told me I had breast cancer only there were two lumps not one. Shock factor and no fear yet, those present on that day were. One never realizes the affect their life has on another until a diagnosis of cancer.

I have been through four or more, what I call, “standing at the edge of a precipice” life moments. Those events that bring change – for me it was - two burying two infant children, cared for a sick husband who died suddenly and unexpectedly, moved countries, endured a divorce, lost gainful employment due to redundancy unexpectedly and experienced a serious major depression over the space of the last 15-20 plus years. Experts over the years have noted that a person will go through at least one serious event in their lifetime, however I have had more than one.

Here I am in that moment taking a deep breath, listening, consoling, and finding words to give strength to a crying daughter and best friend seeing my life with eyes wide open. This event being a culmination of all my life. Nothing and everything can prepare you for that moment. Decisions, choices are the biggest declaration of your truths, principles because in that very moment, it is up to you to find strength and courage or lay waste to surrendering your life. My choice - to live life no matter the diagnosis.

Fast forward to now, not sleeping. It is about trusting the process and those who stand with you. In the last 10 months I have seen friends, family and acquaintances move in and out of my life like a revolving door. This has been the most difficult space to reconcile my soul with. Knowing I can make mistakes, love my fellow man, am enthusiastic about life and celebrating others there is a sense that a void is lurking in the dark wanting me to fill it. A sense that is bottomless, always seeking and yet it is a programmed behavior because of the word cancer. Those diagnosed with this debilitating killer that is no respecter of gender, age, title, race, credence, income, social status, or followers. We have as a society coined the bad press behind cancer sufferers who live in fear of going it alone while enduring horrendous sickness and pain.

Into the abyss I fell, with an expectation of fear. My fear was that I was going to do this alone and could not. I was afraid I was not enough if I did not live into surviving this serious life moment because as a single woman, with a special circumstance’s daughter, no one would have me. If you want something done, you may as well do it yourself. Lies to cover my eyes from the truth. What is the truth?

Truth is a binding principle that governs your values. Ratification comes through inspiring moments when God, Deity gives you the gift of light and clarity. Intuitively it is known, a deep knowing. What is known in the now, I am living every day through this moment, not weak but weakened, to find greater strengths and knowledge. Those that stand with me, are my people and belong here. Those who have left by choice over the weeks and months were not for me. This week my greatest gift to myself on this journey was to move through not internalizing the rejections I have felt, experienced and seen.

Cancer kills, which is true, however not believing in yourself. your life, your journey is a serial murderer of your soul. The soul that anchors you to all that you are to become. Your soul knows, it feels, it understands intuitively more that we give it the opportunity to do.

Listen in the quiet, when you are alone to the goodness, greatness of your soul. Look at yourself from the inside out because God our creator does not make junk. We may feel that at times, which is certainly okay. It is the next steps that matter most where we celebrate and love ourselves accepting, we are imperfect.

To know me, is to love me and I love all of who I am becoming in this journey as gut wrenching as it is physically demanding, emotionally - spiritually-mentally stretching. The abundance of gifts created learning opportunities, that treasure, money cannot buy. Has this been difficult - YES with every fiber of my being? The greatest catalyst to change, acceptance and digging deep with purpose to discover even greater strengths.

This is my DECLARATION ... My name is Michelle E Harwood Lange and I have stage 3 Breast cancer. I choose to live life everyday knowing I am imperfect. will have life moments where I will cry, get mad, loose friends, find hope, have joy, and will travel this journey with soulful family, amazing friends accepting those bumps in the road as a gift that will refine me rather than define me.

Life is worth living to the fullest and there is so much value in it with or without cancer.