Cancer and Grief

 Dear Soul ...

Grief creeps in when we least expect it to have experienced it a number of times over the years, more than I would like in truth. This emotional roller coaster and stages is not something you get used to you do however learn how to adapt.

Life encounters bring with them an innumerable number of possibilities both strikingly fabulous and dangerously difficult. Either we celebrate with ecstatic joy or mourn with great sadness and melancholy. None of which we can control outcomes, only our resolve on how to get through them.

This blog reveals a part of my life, a heartfelt story of how to get through a tragic health crisis and find light, love and greater resilience, vulnerability and healing.  For all of this know that I am deeply grateful.

During the beginning of my cancer diagnosis the phrase "Stage 3 - Invasive Ductal Carcinoma" meant for me that I had cancer. Nothing more nothing less. The word cancer alone was sufficient for me to wake up and smell the coffee so to speak. It got my attention loudly with a feeling we have socialized cancer as  dirty work to mean a death sentence.

As I worked through the first stages of my diagnosis, I relied upon my intuition to guide me through the language. It seem easier that when I moved through going from Stage 2 to Stage 3,  that mentally I keep it at just a number. In all honesty I didn't take the time to investigate like I usually would because emotionally preparing for surgery then Chemo, (which initially was not going to be offered), followed by radiation seemed more important. This was big picture stuff, and I knew instinctively it would throw me off course. 

A course that was about staying positive and finding anchors, things to help me get through mentally, emotionally, and spiritually get through. Visual thoughts that were things to look forward to - mine was a beach with sand in my feet and the warm sun on my face. As a side note that would not have been possible if it weren't for one of my best friends/family Stephen DeSede. His way of being helped me to find it possible.

This meant my choice and focus was not about information gathering about cancer. It has been two years since I started my aggressive chemo, so I thought today was a good day to dip my toe into the waters of understanding invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. This wondering started because I had read a note in my chart and did not understand it. I had to find out what it meant; hence the slippery slope gathered momentum and lead me to search what Stage Three means in medical terms. 

As it turns out there are three subcategories for each Stage 3, A B and C with a grading of 1-3. and  two types of breast cancers - Ductal Carcinoma In situ DCIS and Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. The first diagnosis is DCIS and during surgery as samples are gathered, that pathology may change. Educating oneself about your health particularly when it is serious,  at the right time I realized today is a significant choice to consider as part of your lifelong expedition.

With much gratitude I am grateful that today I decided to learn more about my cancer diagnosis so that I was not feeling like I am in the dark or ignorant as to my discernment of chart notes. I am equally grateful to be alive and here because self-education shaped a greater awareness of my condition and why my current chemo treatment is so important in the long run. As hard and painstakingly difficult some days are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as I continue treatment, I realize being here, present alive is my greatest gift and ally for this battle. 

A battle I grieved today with great gouts of tears, letting go completely at the realization how fortunate I am, the country that I live in, the cancer hospital that aids in my treatment plans. I grieve the loss of my health, only to be filled with greater compassion and thirst to live life in a state of thriving rather than survival. I grieve the monumental load I carried through surgery, chemo, and radiation, not realizing the true extent of my diagnosis. I grieve because in truth I did not have the time to do so because I chose to live with light and care for my daughter, hold down a job and get through treatment. 

As the years have passed by, I have learned that grieving takes time and when you take the time on your terms, healing will happen. Today was my time to let things sink in, cry - weep - shed the dregs of an experience to let go of a potential negative inertia. An inertia, if I had chosen earlier in this expedition may have sunk the ship beyond recognition.

Keeping your inertia going whether positive or negative is important, obviously for me positive is much more productive. As I previously mentioned letting go and opening up a release valve of things that stay inside me was my best medicine today. Acknowledging the seriousness of my condition, deciding that life was about thriving instead of survival and allowing my soul to flood the earth with tears cultivated healing in my soul garden.

Now my goals are geared toward finding ways to thrive so that I can survive the 5-year battle with compassion, love, hope, joy, passion and purpose.  My purpose is clear to thrive is to create meaningful moments to look forward to, back on and that means now is more important than yesterday or tomorrow.

My challenge and hope for you is that you do the same, create meaningful moments to look forward to everyday, to let go of survival and find your way to thrive. Life is too short and is meant to be lived each and every minute with extraordinary enthusiasm.

Photo Credit:
Grief: https://prma-enhance.com/breast-reconstruction-blog/the-five-stages-of-cancer-grief/
https://journeyingbeyondbreastcancer.com/2017/11/22/on-the-messiness-of-grief/