Learning Curves - Finding my True North Inwardly

Dear Soul ...

I really do not know what to say or express today as I am feeling lost. Lost in not feeling well physically and emotionally. Emotionally because discovered I had been keeping myself small.  What a huge realization that was.  This was of course exacerbated by the physical pain I was experiencing, the magnification of the soul. 

When asked, “tell everyone what you do or about yourself,” I snuffed out the candle. It was like I got stage fright and rather than freeze I blurted out what felt most comfortable so that there wasn’t any dead air.

Timing of life is ever present for me and knowingly I see something I didn't know that I didn’t know. It is so easy for me to share, celebrate, acknowledge, and embrace the greatness and wonderful achievements of others. When it comes time to see myself in the mirror, the words got stuck, I splutter, I fall short.

Falling short for yourself somehow feels like a boulder in the middle of the road. I don’t think that is true, and upon further inner thought, it was me creating the boulder because I expected myself to be a certain way and measure up. Measure up to that haunting “who do you think you are.’

This is very real when you have experienced tests in life. Tests that seek to define you. Similar cycles will show up unexpectedly. It takes courage and intestinal fortitude (guts)  to lovingly acknowledge them, find grace for yourself, dust yourself off and get back up.

To love who you are means getting back up when you don’t want to or have bravery to do so. My mettle today depended on me to rise. I realize dear soul that self-love is about accepting that you may fall short at a moment when you need to show up. In that moment to provide grace and see what you needed to learn and what really arrived underneath all of that.

What was underneath all of that was – perfectionism, comparison, and shame. Perfectionism haunts the soul with expectations that exceed our capacity and rob us of being present to what we have. Comparison was a thief of my joy today. These are still things I get to work on every day and honestly for that I am glad - like a painting, a masterpiece in the works - imperfectly perfect.

I created a narrative that I had to be a certain caliber of person to be considered successful and that my success was meaningless if I didn’t fit. I see that "fitting in" is quite different than belonging. Fitting in is about giving up a portion of yourself to fit into the vision of another. Belonging is about owning who we are and not negotiating it.

Self-love has a sense of belonging to ourselves where we tend to the garden of our soul. We have a responsibility to nurture our roots in positive fertile soil. The fertilizer are those principles, values, understanding and meaning that we connect with. Connecting on a level that increases our range of vibration, enlightenment, and deep self -expression.

 Back to my candle, a symbol of light, enlightenment and being true to myself in an authentic way. To be authentic is to be genuine. To be with exactness what you claim, with implications that you or the article/art/works can be trusted as real, without question.

 When we are being true to ourselves, we are connecting to that faithful higher version of ourselves. When we move away from those things that bind our souls, in my understanding we become fake. Yes, we can fake it till we make it but who are we kidding? Eventually it catches up with us and we have to face that mirror, that reflection.

Struggles are not an indicator of inauthenticity, its about finding our true self, our true north soulfully. I found a part of me that needed a true north growth moment where I got down in the garden of my soul and weeded through those weeds that choak my light.

My light ever present within me beckons for truth. Truth that brings the life force of water to nourish my parched soul. Water that fills me up and brings hope to keep working through my struggles and not give up on me. The truth is I am a student of life ever evolving and learning. I will fall short, make mistakes, crash, burn and totally screw up. I am grateful for forgiveness and the grace that brings at any juncture or crossroad of my life that I get to try again until I am confident in myself, my path, and my true north.

Let’s ask that questions again:  - “Tell everyone what you do or about yourself,” (this time with passion and purpose, no fear or judgement)

 My name is Michelle Harwood Lange.

My life have given me the experience to take the ordinary within me and work life in an extraordinary, enlightening way. In the last 3-5 years I have been  blessed to work behind the scenes for the Imperfectly Perfect Campaign (IPC) writing and developing a phenomenal copy for their United States website, working closely with the founder Glenn Marsden. I have also had the fortune to be a ghostwriter for the IPC Vol 1 book, using my writing to successfully express meaningful experiences in a way that paints a picture the author’s truth.

 

When I am not writing my own blog, hosting my own radio show for Radio Hawkes Bay,  share my story through speaking, being a parent of a RAD daughter, I am an advocate for others, helping them through inspiration to see their light within.