In moments of doubt and fear I have found myself letting go of the very thing I need to connect with the most. On the heels of a new year, I have decided to do as I learnt many years ago to face the fear and do those things that cause discomfort. It has become clear over the years that I can do hard things and that hard things mean we get uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable with subject matter, encouraging vulnerability and being true to who I am are necessary ingredients. Certainly 57 years of life does account for something and that something is experience.
Today's experience is about letting go of the conversations in my head that seer the words into my mind that I have nothing valuable to contribute and who do I think I am.
Those words came from a place of shame rather than guilt. I love how during particularly difficult moments in my life those mind conversation demons show up. Over the last 12months or more, my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energy has been depleted due to ongoing cancer treatments, I knew that there had to come a time when my very life breath needed me to understand how to heal and move through those conversations.
I am grateful for divine
intervention in the fabric of my life that brought to me an explanation from
Brene Brown about shame, vulnerability, and guilt. It was as if the windows of
heaven opened up my mind and gave me a gust of fresh air. I felt like the
Grinch where my soul grew two inches that day.
As I refresh my memory to
gather my words in order to share my experience, my fingertips wander to google
to see the words that lifted my soul. This is hard and I see myself as I write
use avoidant behavior rather than get vulnerable. I said I would get you a Coke
and gave you a Pepsi instead.
Okay here goes, as I
revisited Brene's Ted Talks, listened intently to find those magical phrases, I
found a greater truth. Don't you love how the universe throws you a curve ball
in the middle of revisiting learning? Has that ever happened to you?
As I listened with my
whole heart, the words found my soul again. I choked back the tears; I
realized today exactly where some damaging shame came from. My whole being was
harrowed up in intense grief, an inner child aha moment. The flow of tears I
could not, would not stop because this new learning is meant for me to get real
and vulnerable about. A lifelong journey to heal that sweet child who at the
drop of five words at the age of nine, felt shame. Brene Brown
discusses shame in the following way:
[...]
"shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection:
Is there something about
me that, if other people know it or see it,
that I won't be worthy of
connection?"
This was the lifelong crucible of internal pain that ignited me soul, heart,
and mind. Those words told me there was something about me that I was not
worthy of connection with a loved one. To mention this very experience grieves
my soul, however the antidote to this shame is empathy. I feel for the pain the
person carried who said that their own not enough and who do they think they
are. Those later words who do you think you are seem to echo in the recesses of
my memory where more shame showed up in my adult years.
Up until that eventful day of reckoning, and even today as I write, I have spent the last 40 years trying to understand the pain I felt. A pain that is very real. It made sense as to why I have always wondered where I belonged and why I felt different, not in a good way, but in a very dark imperfect, why am I here way. I believe as Brene Brown describes it best:
Shame is a part of
life and can show up on a daily basis - appearance, body image, mental and
physical health to name a few. Understanding the role shame has and their bed
partners such as guilt will unfold a new way of thinking. What I have
cultivated about shame and guilt has come about through being a student of lifelong
learning. That initial blow of greater enlightenment forged a rush of emotion
that I instinctively want to know more about. There is a difference between and
shame and guilt, with the help of Brene Brown and other shame researchers and
emotion researchers, it can be explained in the most effective
way as:
"Shame is “I am bad;” guilt is “I did something bad. [...] Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad." Guilt is "I did something bad."
[...] , if you can talk it out of that
one, "who do you think you are?" Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a
mistake. Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.
Internal conversations or tapes were very much about never good enough and who do you think you are. It was a daily struggle that I was committed to discover the truth about. Honestly, it plagued me to the core of my very soul and no matter how hard I tried, there was not much that worked until ... Until I found Brene Brown's TED talks.
Talks that helped me to understand the difference between shame and guilt, and how I could change those internal messages and conversations. To be aware, you need a sense of awareness. I was aware of the "who do you think you are," but didn't know the why. This information became a catalyst for greater change, self-love and identifying the emotion that was holding me captive for a number of years now. My resilience grew as I ingratiated myself with an abundance of self-love and conversations that gave a loving answer filled with hope, joy, and support. I really had to dig deep to find love for who I was, who I thought I was because thoughts are things and there is an energy that is derived from your very thoughts.
I am Michelle. I think and believe that God from the very moment I took my first breath as a preemie, sent me here to experience many things. Those things grew unwavering compassion, understanding, love, acceptance, and forgiveness as soulful responders to life challenges. I know that I have been tested in this life not to fail but to learn and grow in each step. I am here to be an inspiration sharing my seasoned wisdom through the written word, my voice and etheric art. I think that my life has meaning and purpose - of my choosing.
I no longer think who I am, instead I have come to know I am a gifted, powerful writer, who sees words as a place to receive a vision possible, share a story from the heart (courage) and being authentically true to yourself with an honest vulnerability. Most of all I am loveable, I am resilient, strong, capable, understanding and wise.
As a final note - grab a pen, paper and find quiet space - take some time to answer the question - "Who do you think you are?" at first it may be negative and challenging to look through that lens.
Throw away those writings that do not serve you or share light about you. It may take several attempts. During each self-interaction - Breath deeply, believe in yourself, sprinkle loads of love, self truth in that writing and discover you. Remember if there is shame, the antidote is empathy. Know that your brilliance is waiting to find you.
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