The Shame Vs Guilt Conversation

 Dear Soul ...

In moments of doubt and fear I have found myself letting go of the very thing I need to connect with the most. On the heels of a new year, I have decided to do as I learnt many years ago to face the fear and do those things that cause discomfort. It has become clear over the years that I can do hard things and that hard things mean we get uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable with subject matter, encouraging vulnerability and being true to who I am are necessary ingredients. Certainly 57 years of life does account for something and that something is experience. 

Today's experience is about letting go of the conversations in my head that seer the words into my mind that I have nothing valuable to contribute and who do I think I am. 

Those words came from a place of shame rather than guilt. I love how during particularly difficult moments in my life those mind conversation demons show up.  Over the last 12months or more, my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energy has been depleted due to ongoing cancer treatments, I knew that there had to come a time when my very life breath needed me to understand how to heal and move through those conversations.

I am grateful for divine intervention in the fabric of my life that brought to me an explanation from Brene Brown about shame, vulnerability, and guilt. It was as if the windows of heaven opened up my mind and gave me a gust of fresh air. I felt like the Grinch where my soul grew two inches that day.

As I refresh my memory to gather my words in order to share my experience, my fingertips wander to google to see the words that lifted my soul. This is hard and I see myself as I write use avoidant behavior rather than get vulnerable. I said I would get you a Coke and gave you a Pepsi instead.

Okay here goes, as I revisited Brene's Ted Talks, listened intently to find those magical phrases, I found a greater truth. Don't you love how the universe throws you a curve ball in the middle of revisiting learning? Has that ever happened to you?

As I listened with my whole heart, the words found my soul again. I  choked back the tears; I realized today exactly where some damaging shame came from. My whole being was harrowed up in intense grief, an inner child aha moment. The flow of tears I could not, would not stop because this new learning is meant for me to get real and vulnerable about. A lifelong journey to heal that sweet child who at the drop of  five words at the age of nine, felt shame. Brene Brown  discusses shame in the following way:  

[...] "shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: 

Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, 

that I won't be worthy of connection?"

This was the lifelong crucible of internal pain that ignited me soul, heart, and mind. Those words told me there was something about me that I was not worthy of connection with a loved one. To mention this very experience grieves my soul, however the antidote to this shame is empathy. I feel for the pain the person carried who said that their own not enough and who do they think they are. Those later words who do you think you are seem to echo in the recesses of my memory where more shame showed up in my adult years. 

Up until that eventful day of reckoning, and even today as I write,  I have spent the last 40 years trying to understand the pain I felt. A pain that is very real. It made sense as to why I have always wondered where I belonged and why I felt different, not in a good way, but in a very dark imperfect, why am I here way. I believe as Brene Brown describes it best: 

  [...] “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.”  

Shame is a part of life and can show up on a daily basis - appearance, body image, mental and physical health to name a few. Understanding the role shame has and their bed partners such as guilt will unfold a new way of thinking. What I have cultivated about shame and guilt has come about through being a student of lifelong learning. That initial blow of greater enlightenment forged a rush of emotion that I instinctively want to know more about. There is a difference between and shame and guilt, with the help of Brene Brown and other shame researchers and emotion researchers, it can be explained in the most effective way as:

"Shame is “I am bad;” guilt is “I did something bad. [...]  Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad."  Guilt is "I did something bad." 

The programmed behavior behind shame, you know those tapes "never good enough" --  and as I heard these words that wonderful day of learning ...

[...] , if you can talk it out of that one, "who do you think you are?"  Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.

Internal conversations or tapes were very much about never good enough and who do you think you are. It was a daily struggle that I was committed to discover the  truth about. Honestly, it plagued me to the core of my very soul and no matter how hard I tried, there was not much that worked until  ... Until I found Brene Brown's TED talks.

Talks that helped me to understand the difference between shame and guilt, and how I could change those internal messages and conversations. To be aware, you need a sense of awareness. I was aware of the "who do you think you are," but didn't know the why. This information became a catalyst for greater change, self-love and identifying the emotion that was holding me captive for a number of years now. My resilience grew as I ingratiated myself with an abundance of self-love and conversations that gave a loving answer filled with hope, joy, and support. I really had to dig deep to find love for who I was, who I thought I was because thoughts are things and there is an energy that is derived from your very thoughts. 

 My answer to "who do you think you are:" is this as I round out this post:

I am Michelle. I think and believe that God from the very moment I took my first breath as a preemie, sent me here to experience many things. Those things grew unwavering compassion, understanding, love, acceptance, and forgiveness as soulful responders to life challenges. I know that I have been tested in this life not to fail but to learn and grow in each step. I am here to be an inspiration sharing my seasoned wisdom through the written word, my voice and etheric art. I think that my life has meaning and purpose - of my choosing.

I no longer think who I am, instead I have come to know I am a gifted, powerful writer, who sees words as a  place to receive a vision possible, share a story from the heart (courage) and being authentically true to yourself with an honest vulnerability.  Most of all I am loveable, I am resilient, strong, capable, understanding and wise.

As a final note - grab a pen, paper and find quiet space - take some time to answer the question - "Who do you think you are?" at first it may be negative and challenging to look through that lens. 

Throw away those writings that do not serve you or share light about you.  It may take several attempts.  During each self-interaction - Breath deeply, believe in yourself, sprinkle loads of love, self truth in that writing and discover you. Remember if there is shame, the antidote is empathy.  Know that your brilliance is waiting to find you.  

Looking Forward

Dear Soul ...

We all have moments where we find space to think things through often precipitated by a random thought and no competing needs. You know those quiet moments, before you start your day and you quietly lay in bed deciding if you should get up or slip back into the warmth of more silent slumber.

I had such a moment over the holidays where I allowed my mind to wander to see what it would bring me in self-understanding and realization as I reflected. Self-reflection is good for the soul, you either keep or let go of what you see and feel, and it is a great way to be mindful, housekeeping.

On this particular Saturday morning as I meandered through the quagmire of my mind, I came to realize some significant happenings - learning albeit brief as far as posts go, in some small and simple way, you will find what you are seeking.

I have been battling cancer for two years now and with that journey there is much to learn, a quandary of things that you do not know that you do not know and the stuff you are told. If feel these can either be deterrents to finding a more positive space or life lessons. Often, I felt lost not knowing what to do so I put my student of life hat on to discover greater knowledge.

In my roaming thoughts this is what I found - a profound question.

How do you look forward to life after such a difficult challenge that brings with it new paths and new discoveries?

Deep from such a quiet Saturday morning waltz through my mind and incredibly significant to current circumstances. This question is not just applicable to those who may be experiencing cancer, it is for all of us who have found ourselves experiencing life in such a morose, cranky, ill-tempered, sullen, and difficult way. How do you find the impetus to keep going, to enjoy?

The answer seemed to waffle through my mind like a gentle breeze, it was clear and understandable.

Find gratitude - I express my deepest encouragement to record gratitude as a meaningful moment that matters. We are not just talking about saying, I am grateful for my car, my job, my house. Yes, that matters, however truly find the power of gratitude requires digging deep. Let me share an example:  "I am grateful for my life and the challenges I have faced that have brought me the gift of who I am today."

 

Live - Live life to the fullest the best you can everyday making a difference to you first. Accept that there may be limits related to health, career, and responsibilities, however you get to adapt life your way around those limits you cannot control. To live is to feel alive in the moment creating opportunities in the now to be very present to what is in front of you with exuberance. An energy that can sustain you. Remember this, know that who you are is how you live life.

This life we live is a social experiment about experience where we search for pleasure, comfort, and entertainment when really what we need is connection, harmony, likeness, purpose, and acceptance. At the root of our relationship with trees are our experiences that will either blossom into a oneness with another or create a weed or two in our life garden.

As you nurture  your light within yourself and those valuable roots, your soul garden can thrive even in the greatest of storms. All you have to do is look around you after a storm and see what you see standing - a mighty tree who tends to be roots ensuring there is strength and nourishment there. Your soul fortifying fertilizers are  SELF - See - Engage - Life Force - compassion, forgiveness, faith/belief, understanding and acceptance.

In all that I have experienced, fear has been a catalyst to render me incapable of seeing my potential. I have been blinded, frozen in mid step by the mists of a great darkness that can engulf your mind and keep you ensnared for minutes, hours, day and even weeks. Music and the written word were my key to freeing me from such dark bondage. The words that ironically freed me and brought to the surface by the universe were those of Nelson Mandela. He said, "May your choices reflect your hopes and not your fears." 

Be fully aware of the lens in which you live life - full alive or afraid.  You have within you just as I discovered to disperse that mist and move into the light by your choosing, knowing that it is a work in progress. We are each a work in progress - imperfectly perfect.

I am grateful to each of you for taking time to share a moment or two with me. May you have wings of flight to move through and above the noise of life and find the richness of who you are grounded in good soil with an abundance of gifts yet to spring from the roots of who you are.

A Letter To Myself -2024 A New Beginning

Dear Michelle ...

In all your hardships, challenges and life experience writing has been your tool to see you. With a year coming to a close, I hope unlike any other year that you see who you have become and are becoming, have achieved and lived into with much gratitude in your heart. Indeed that you my have a deep knowing that you have inspired many through your words and action as you battled through the remnants of stage three breast cancer, to continue working through the next stages of that journey.

A journey that has been the very test of your mettle, your heart, your soul strength.  A space of new discoveries and learning. Learning that for moments you doubted, what you understood as truth, as divine understanding given as a gift to propel you through.

Getting through 2023 had been your hallmark because in the through you have found joy, hope, new strengths, courage and a great light of who you are. Along with that light there was darkness that tested your truth, your capacity and capabilities and yet here you are today, with an aptitude of gratitude discovering connection, wisdom and a filled cup in the most unlikely of places each and every day by sharing your truths. 

You have felt the tinge of fear and long suffering as your body adjusted to the reality of the after affects of your cancer treatment. The new normal brought an opportunity to grow again through those inner passages of negative self talk, frustration and unexpected darkness.  These you knew, although at times would not acknowledge were  sign posts driven from your diagnosis. Ignorance for you was not bliss, however being a student of life drove you to find greater understanding for conversations with those familiar with the cancer plight.

I am so proud that you found your voice, that you sought to grow through being silent. I am proud that you keep working at finding new coping skills on your cancer journey.  The most relatable for you is writing with new levels of creativity showing up.  I  applaud you for sharing your story this year in the Imperfectly Perfect Campaign Vol 1.  I shed tears thinking about the monumental task it took to put the words to paper in the right frame, so others can experience you.  Well done - - hold on to that with all you have.

As you step into 2024 I know you will explore and magnify your soul through the written word, leaving no conversation or stone unturned.  This will be your expression of every day experiences as you reach toward your goal of 365 days of writing .  I have heard you express that no longer will you linger in the shadows of fear that leave you lifeless and alone.  That when music and words are found, you will muster strength courage to use your voice with words so others can hear the song of your story everyday.

I commend your bravery in the wilderness of life, taking hold of every ounce of faith God and trust in yourself so many can "Read all About it" till your words ring out and shout unapologetically soulfully being you have said all that you are inspired to say,  I know you will listen to the whispers that come so the gift that follows will fill space  soul heart and mind for others.

In all your imperfectly perfectness, I know you are at a place to be honest, authentic and true to you. With those words I will wish you the best, the strength the courage to keep going when you have not strength. That you will connect to music that moves your soul and fills you up every wit.  This is your season, without reason to share a life journey, determined to leave a footprint of writing, your voice and art.  

This life is yours to live and that each moment is something you have an opportunity to make meaningful moments that matter. As I close out this letter, I send my love, my appreciation.  It is my hope and call to action  that you will return to this letter often to remind you who you have become and that there is more of you to grow and learn about. I add some wisdom - in a meme you shared, remember this
- May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears. I add to this ... May your hopes be energized by the knowing that you are a beautiful soul filled with light, love and wisdom.  Trust what you know, find the quiet and return inward to that place you are familiar with that brings you the answers, the perspective, the instinct, intuition and divine guidance.

Divine Imagination a Motivator For Good to Change Lives

 

Some 50 years ago at about 7 years of age, I wondered to myself what life would be like when I turned 50.  It was unfathomable back then to begin to understand what the year 2016 would hold for me. That seemed like a century in time.  My childlike imagining at seven hoped for flying cars, skyways where the real-life Jetson’s existed and the space time continuum enabled us to in a blink of an eye, like Star Trek be transported across the wide expanse of the world to wherever we wanted to go.

Fast forward to 2016, my life was nothing like what I had imagined as it was a year of great loss. However, with one exception, that childlike imagination of wanting to journey to the great beyond of America came true because in 1986 many years earlier I arrived in the United States.  What was awaiting me I did not know, with childlike excitement the thought of Disneyland, Hollywood - walking those hallowed streets paved with the hands and feet of the silver screens veteran actors and actresses was going to be a thrilling experience.

This thrilling excitement was a derivative of Saturday afternoons growing up.  After the chores and before dinner meant nostalgic black and white movies from yester year were watched keenly.  The likes of  Gregory Peck, William Holden, Olivia De Havilland, John Wayne, Betty Davis, Doris Day, Lauren Becall, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis, Dean Martin, Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Marilyn Monroe, Gene Kelly, Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn, Katherine Hepburn to name a few were flashed on the screen on Saturday, one week at a time over a lifetime.  Eyes glued to the awe of the early days of Hollywood.  I recall being mesmerized by Singing in the Rain and wanting to learn to tap dance.  When it rained, I would hum the tune and find a happiness in the rain, the tap, tap, tapping of my feet splashing in the water.  The splendid imagining of LIGHTS, CAMERA AND ACTION.

Over the years I have created my own visual Life Autobiography filled with instances of lights, camera and action.  The light was my learning, my knowledge currency, while the camera was the lens of my perspective. Understanding and vision for greater things.  Action, well that speaks for itself as long as you put what you learn into fruition. Action is a verb to create motions, movement, enable a motivation to achieve and engage in the possibilities.

Goals and achievements take tenacity, practice, hard work and commitment.  As  child didn’t worry about commitment, my impetus was doing what I love.  Certainly, there were times I pulled the “Do I have to card,”  only because I wanted to for a moment go play like the other kids.  I think I knew if I didn’t act, I could not improve in my music or dance lessons.  Finding joy and gratitude in those activities was essential.  When I changed my focus, in time my joy increased.  Periodically that imagination would show up to push me to work harder for a dream, a hope to become.

To become, those words sifted in and out of my life frequently – what do you want to become when you grow up. Some of those answers then were an Airline Hostess for Air New Zealand, a professional dancer, a writer like Ernest Hemmingway, a traveler of the world and an artist.  We have all heard those words that these are foolish thinking, and we need to follow something reliable and safe as a profession. This socialization of putting aside ones dreams, hopes and passions for something stable doesn’t teach up to explore the possibilities – we just settle.   I know that I have always dreamed big or wildly. A gift to myself a divine imagination that ran away with itself.

I allowed it in secret, I allowed it in moment of extreme need to push me past the doldrums of life and depression. Obviously, my feet were firmly planted on the ground, in times where inspiration was needed, imagination carried me as a great motivator of possibilities.  Some of my best expressions of art or writing came from those initial imaginations, where exuberance of life and excitement left my heart full of hope and ready to activate, convert if you will an energy glow into something beyond imagination.

In my junior year at Brigham Young University, Idaho, in a humanities class, I discovered Dr Randy Pausch and his last lecture.  On my journey to write this blog, I remembered his words, humor and enthusiasm for life despite being ill.  His objective was not just to give a lecture, but to leave a legacy for his children and those that would follow.  To dream, to imagine the possible takes heart and not to give up on where you want to go in life.

Randy Pausch said it well in his “Last Lecture, . […] “Give yourself permission to dream never lose that childlike wonder,  it’s just too important, it’s what drives us. “  His lecture was a culmination of life defining moments of a child’s dream and imagination of that dream.  All were realized and that is important, however the greater importance is living your life to the fullest.  His last lecture was truly his last lecture as he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I found his story ratified the lens I saw life through.

Dream Big, turn stumbling blocks into steppingstones, make every moment count, light the path of others and champion their accomplishments, dreams and passions.   I appreciated Dr Pausch’s perspective on roadblocks and brick walls,  “The brick walls are there to see how badly you want your goal.”  It made me think how much I was willing to wholly give of myself with transparency, honesty, ownership, gratitude and time to reach my dreams, my goals.

Would I be willing to live life fully even if I was ill and time was running out.  The answer is clear, yes, I would because much like Dr Pausch, being sad because of cancer brings no meaning to those around you and with all you have left living life with zest and enthusiasm is a much greater gift.  Greeting each day with a sense of empowerment and dreaming of, using my divine imagination to be well, to see that end goal of warms soft sand and ocean waves kept me one step closer.  Like those brick walls Dr Pausch mentioned, I found them, discovered a way to get around and through them with purpose. Again, anchored in a vision, a dream a hope of at the end of my treatment, I would be on that beach.

I could not give anyone permission to take that dream, that hope, that vision away for me.  It had a sustaining purpose.  The purpose to get through chemo and radiation so that I could stand with gratitude share my story, my first, not my last of many lectures, podcasts, and articles.

Post Script (P. S.)

My dreams have come true, I have travelled outside of New Zealand, living in the United States for over 30 years.  In 2024 I will be a published author and I have my own radio show that I am building to inspire and share my story to change the lives of others.  I have developed my writing skills as a ghostwriter for a large global campaign, Imperfectly Perfect Campaign.   Most of all I am grateful to all my friends who along the way believed in me, stood with me through those life challenges and cheered me on to keep going.  This was not a journey I travelled alone.  All is possible if we choose to believe in those small sparks the ignite a fire within.  I love my life and living it ALIVE every day.

From Ashes there is Light and Love

This is a walk in my daily space where I learn, grow, experience and live into life.  

There is an idiom that states, " You are what you eat."  In the age of technology and media consumption, a wise sage taught me, " We are what we consume our time, energy and gifts on."

In my journey through cancer treatments that became a very real part of my treatment strategy. Cancer for me was not a death sentence, but rather a discovery of more than what I was already made of.

This means, am I made of the gifts of life that brought me resilience,  strength, courage,  go get it attitude to live each moment fully. OR the cancer is me and owns my life. I decided that my choice was to embrace each stumbling block, moments that were gut wrenching so that I may embrace, accept and learn in order that they may be turned into stepping stones, anchors and opportunities to Live, laugh and love.

Being mindful of what I watched, read and took in as energy was vital to my soul heart treatment plan. Participating in activities that lifted me above the noise, the pain, the negative mindset, and the diagnosis brought me to a greater sense of capacity.  Those activities that were thread through my treatment plan were, listening to music and the spoken word, painting, sketching, writing and reading books where I learned new coping skills or as I like to say em-power-moments (EMPOWERMENT).

Equally important and essentially not just because of my cancer but a life truth is to surround yourself  with those who are a positive influence, a champion of you, rather than nourish  dis ease. That isn't a spelling error. Illness or disease create dis ease an uncomfortable sense of unlike where we dis life with ease instead of living into hope and what is present now.

We are truly stronger than we know, I can attest to that for in the moments, when I had not strength,  courage or the wherewithal, I found me, motivated exuberance to live and not give up. 

This is my moment after chemo, after radiation rising to a moment with grand realization that I had made it to the end. My goal was to take a picture to celebrate the benchmark, the affirmation of a goal reached instead, I am fighting back the tears.  Exhausted, consumed in pain, in the end I summoned a smile because in truth I had walked my path being appreciative of every step. 

I had decided to live every footstep with purpose not knowing what to expect. It was the hardest moment of my life and everything  I had experienced up until now was at play. Finding a place to keep learning brought me to know that to grow through this I chose to learn with mindful awareness. My life literally depended on it and so does your even without cancer. You reap what you sow, so let's consume and LEARN with mindful awareness those things that harness the good to great inside of you.

I smile because I am happy, happy to choose a path although at times challenging, it is the best choice for my education from life.  Life that gives me experience, experience that shows me wisdom and love for myself in great abundance.  As I listened to Harry Styles Song Music for  Sushi Restaurant, there is a phase and melody that sends my heart into a space of joy and enrapture.  The words are ... Its cause I love you babe in every kind of way.  My vision of myself in the mirror is very different these days.  There are moments that I live into expectations of others however, the key to move from that is living into loving myself in every kind of way and that I am here, now created already enough, being enough on my own terms, how I want to fit into my self.  I smile because I am stronger, I am Michelle Lange and I love who  I be. 

Surrender 2022 and Welcome the Anthem of You.

I started writing this blog in May of 2021 and now it is fueled in part by the song, Surrender by Natalie Taylor. I was watching a post on my Facebook page and the background music was playing. As I watched the animation on the screen that depicted two people sharing hope, love, and celebration of each other through life experiences, I heard the word Surrender.

I listened closely to the words - Whenever you are ready, whenever you are ready. My heart felt a moment and this time, unlike times of past, I did not try to stop what I felt. In that moment watching this silhouette depiction, I knew the sense of surrendering. Surrendering to myself, to who I am and realizing as I gazed in that smokey looking moisture filled mirror there I was, without comfort, entertainment, and pleasure, alone with myself. What did I see, I saw the scars of life, reminders of my journey in literal and figurative terms. Natalie's words speak of being ready, I was not, but somehow, I knew with tears streaming down my face, bald, thin faced, no eyebrows, there I was. Amidst chemo treatment, I was at the mercy of my body, my soul, and my life. Only me could make those precious earnest steps to move past or into this moment fully.

Fully collapsing and allowing myself to feel all that arrived in that moment. Shame, guilt, negative thought patterns from old programming, unlove. Can I surrender? Yes, I can, yes I will because in that every minute of time that felt like an eternity, God, my Heavenly Father, my higher power was my courage to get vulnerable. He and only he had been waiting for that moment, waiting patiently, nudging me forward, "Whenever you are ready. Whenever you are ready, I am here for you. "

For me, but I am not of any such significance. Yet in the seconds that flashed, afterwards, in the deep dark recesses of my mind as memories flooded, I knew, soulfully knew that this was an untruth I was thinking. I cried, asking where you are, can you give me strength to surrender to this moment where I need to face a truth, haunting truths I am unwilling to see. I have been finding my way back to you, hoping my love for good would bring me back to that place to see.

In that mirror as I brush the mist of moisture away, I saw, a woman who had tread the winepress of life, sometimes making sour grapes, while others a full vibrant fragrance of the sweetness of life. You see one of my truths that day was, admitting that I had made a choice to stay in an abusive relationship, where each time I empowered myself, the voice of reason would convince me I was less than, to which with all my religious beliefs then I acquiesced to the story told. The trigger for deep emotional rising was, due to the visual realization that the scar, on my head, now visible due to baldness from chemo was real and much larger than I was willing to remember or accept. I was hiding from my truth, ashamed, and that everyone would discover that I was everything, that had been told to believe about me.

Flashed of images and time passed across my mind and face bringing me gently back to the present. Flowing freely, were tears, I surrendered to my truth, crumbling to the floor in that bathroom, hoping no one would hear me, but God did. There was a sweet gift that was going to be given me amidst this emotional turmoil. That gift was gratitude and the realization that my cancer was not about being physically ill, it was about emotional, mental spiritual healing. On that cold floor, I said, I surrender to you my God, trusting that no longer will I have to survive in every sense. It was time to live even though my body was dying from cancer and treatments. I surrender, my fear, my mistakes, my in action, all that I am and am not to you. In return, I ask for guidance to see the good in who I am, to find the truth to heal from these scars of hurt where I stopped loving me, speaking up for me and believing I was nothing of significance to you or anyone else. 

In that barrage of grief, pain, and suffering, I had to choose to surrender to myself and love who I was despite the negative programing that I chose to believe. Instead of being a whenever you are ready, it was I am ready. I am ready to stop hurting and start to fully live. Live freely, authentically as myself, without labels, conditions or unlove. Raising the level of energy within myself was the beginning. To get brave and have courage that through this moment brough about by a cancer diagnosis, I could just as other time be brave and get back up. The question was no longer can I surrender, it was a statement, declaration I am surrendering my old self and with courage I am willing to show up authentically as myself and be seen where I am.To be brave everyday knowing that I may get hurt on this journey and with a constancy of resilience get back up.

Getting back up means having gratitude for the challenges that bring life changing lessons where absolute vulnerability is required. I had to get clear with myself, my principles, values and needs. Paint a reasonable, soulful picture where no longer my vulnerability was diminished as unnecessary, unacceptable emotion. Rising from that cold, damp floor, I stood looking at the mirror resolute, knowing with a tremendous about of certainty that my journey was so much more that cancer.

In recent months since that moment, I have come to find it a great blessing to surrender to myself, to who I am, to life and to be vulnerable. To surrender takes much more courage and strength to do and in it there is a gift of as Brene Brown says, "soften into joy."  Get present to Love Joy and belonging because when those things are absent, we become cold to vulnerability, we shut the valve off to feel. Feel whole heartedly.

Vulnerability encapsulates our daily lives and is essential to wholehearted living. It is the barometer and accurate measure for the temperament of courage. Joy and gratitude are coupled together they are powerful fuel and catalysts for fuel when rubber meets the dirt and life get ugly. We are all built to create. As we create joyful memories with gratitude we are building reservoirs that can fill our souls with hope and light during darkness. 

Surrender those moments and people in your life that no longer serve what you seek, the principle that govern your life. We can forgive; however, we do not need to continue in those places where light, love, upliftment does not serve our wellbeing. We have an opportunity to find the center with ourselves and believe with all our might, trusting that the foundation beneath us is strong.

Foundations are found in how you fill your bucket up, the bucket of you. My self-expression is writing and art. With all I have, this sense of being creates shear vulnerability, clarity, learning and understanding. To you, I share the writing of my soul anthem ... an affirmation of experience of who I have become and becoming

I am strength when you are spent.
I am faith when you need belief to see who you are.
I am the kindness when you need a hand to guide and care.
I am the friend who listens when no one hears you.
I am courage, allowing vulnerability to show up and be present letting the feeling in.
I am here living life from divine imagination where all things are possible.

I am all I need to be now and that is enough because with God, Divine Source, which ever that higher power is to you, we are all enough in his eyes.

 I am grateful for every life lesson that teaches me what I need to know soulfully.

I am the whisper of compassion when life gets dark with loss, having walked that road may times and understand others journey.

With grace and gratitude, I surrendered my freedom of singularity, empty nest to welcome the presence of a child who needed love, summers of hope, joy, care and understanding with an open soul, heart, and mind; only to find a greater energy.

I AM is my mantra to be do and have the energy and light to be a beacon of my truths, where vulnerable spirituality is my sanctuary first.

Find you, find your I AM's. Start your 2023 and make a list of who you are with all the divine imagination you can muster. I know it is in there you just have to say YES to YOU.

 

Life - The Struggle is Real and can be overcome - A Series of Events

Recently I promised myself that the Michelle Moments blogging would recommence with haste. I could feel it in my bones, that I had something to say and wanted to move past the so call “shoulding” in my life that in part placed value on pleasing others.

As I deliberated on what I wanted to discuss, it became noticeably clear to me what mattered most. Writing is my muse, my creation of self-expression. In that expression, for me, there needs to be certain elements which are at the center of what I create for others to read, learn from and grow into. Those elements are honest, vulnerable and true conversations so that you the reader can relate to it. In this world of media consumption experts have an opinion of how you ought to follow them, like or share. In this space it is my sincere and most profound desire to create an opportunity to lift you up from where you are.  What you get from these moments, how it resonates for you is entirely up to you and, you alone.

As a spiritual being having a human experience, in all that I have learned these last few years, the elemental message is, “To thine own self be true."  My goal, it is to have an expression with a voice of grace, love understanding and acceptance, guided by those soul centered languages that mean so much to me.

Once I decided to take on board writing again, it did not take long before the struggle with my inner programming began. The self-capitulated conversation where your mind lets you know what you are about to embark on is of no use and that you are not up to task.

Honestly, it was not pretty at all inside. The walls were a dark abyss, and I was the scared, vulnerable 6-year-old girl afraid of the dark. Afraid that what I knew about myself was true, I was not enough. These demons had loomed their head for years, starting from a couple of significant traumatic events which unbeknown to me weaved a dark entanglement that would last a lifetime or two. I will not coat it with sugar or bound it up with fitting words that reflect my astute writing capabilities, in short,  the narration was cruel and deep like the crevasse of a glacier. 

With that said, the moment begins with knowing that there are parts of who I am that celebrate this moment, while others, relish in the thought to bring front and center the programed behaviors that say I am not enough and how dare I, I am nothing, not sufficiently educated and belong to no one. How do I vanquish such thoughts.  It is achieved by appreciating that they arrive and ask them to take a seat, a front row to my life as a reminder that I am more than my thoughts, my life programming, and experiences. The struggle at times is daily, most especially when I move my intentions toward change, a large shift .  Once awareness has been aroused from the slumber of unknowing, the work, hard work begins. To have awareness, we are to be aware, and I am very much awake to that. That being the programmed thinking, the life scars instituted by others and myself where the narrative suited the terms and conditions of the moment. Moments inflicted from others and choices I made for myself that I deserved to abuse myself by not speaking up, not accepting who I was or could be. The long winding road has taken a plethora of detours and decades to reach a point where I have stopped pretending what I experienced and put it in its proper perspective without rose colored glasses, excusing behavior, denying, and facing the cold hard facts, truth of what it was.  The key here is was. 

This does not define me as a person, it has been a catalyst to find who I am and my voice. A voice that I chose to become silent because the battle was real for me to survive in silence, thinking I was keeping the peace. I did not want to hurt anymore and out of shear instinct, knowing that the very core of my soul was at the brink, grieving in anguish. A deep anguish that wanted to leave life behind because I meant nothing or so I believed blindly, foolishly.

The nothing was a great loss to my inner=self. My investments rate of return was decreasing like a black Friday on Wall Street. It is said that the truth will set you free and I believe that. The truth is, I had created a coping skill that became a negative programming.   When life shifted, and the anchor of the hurt was no longer a part of my life the sun shone on my soul with such great brilliance that I could see the reflection of my life presently.  What a revelation and gift of discovery it was when I realized after receiving a cancer diagnosis that I had taught myself not to speak up or think I was worthy of asking for anything. Meaning, I had curbed asking for myself and now did not know how to do that. Not to mention, my philosophy was if you want anything done, you may as well do it yourself.

Oh, how I had cheated myself, words echoing from my mother loomed like a ghost, one day you are going to be at a place where you need help, and you have to learn to ask."  Me at 18 thinking I knew it all, still do not. Back to the cheating, I had cheated my soul from the opportunity to receive. Receive the gift of others and now at the peak of a life changing moment, I knew the struggle would be very real. The NOT ENOUGH, HOW DARE YOU, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE would show up and I had to learn how to give them a front seat in the arena of my life. I did not know how, and my soul grieved in deep, dark tears of pain, of unknowing, of seeking how to love and affirm myself, of bloody hell, what the shit am I doing.

It was the grief of a loss of a relationship in those early months of my cancer treatment, that I realized this was my time, to put on my gumboots, arm myself with love, grace and strength because this battle was going to be on my terms, by myself until I opened up and asked, asked for love, for help, for support and guidance on this journey.  My cancer was not about cancer it was about me growing into myself and healing those large dings in my soul so that it wanted to stay and arrive at joy, hope and me. The me who loved life, spoke up and out, found that in my strength I could be weakened, and was not weak. A woman who said that looking gorgeous through a cancer treatment was the best treatment I could give myself living life on my terms, not the diagnosis.

I have cried, I have doubted, I have listened to the voices that remind me of the woman I was, not the woman I was to become through all this. I had to say goodbye to those things that did not serve me. 

•  FEEL Life for a moment
• UNDERSTAND it is only a moment and not a forever. Give yourself GRACE.
• CURIOSITY is the hallmark of living into learning, see to learn from life moments and find the answer by consuming what lifts you up.
• Keep kindness at the soul heart of all you do. Be mindful of others, remembering kindness to yourself.

My grandfather taught me that when life brings you lemons, make lemonade. Lemonade needs a sprinkle of hope, light, love, and laughter to make it bittersweet when you succeed at those everyday small victories. Having a deep knowing of how we frame life gives us an opportunity to create possibilities from life's lemons. So go love who you be, know you are imperfectly perfect and celebrate the small and simple things of life every day. Be a warrior, captain, champion and take ownership of your life because you are enough and worth it. You belong to you first by loving who you be. Fit into yourself and expand your vision beyond the shoulds of the world or others.

PS - As I close this moment of writing, know that I am deeply nervous, pensive and the negatives show up ... I count backward to disrupt those patterns, so I keep my commitment to share and write.

Refinement or Defining

Its 330 am and sleep evades me like finding fresh water in a desert. A long time ago a good friend taught me that when sleep fails, it usually because I do not want to face a truth. There is not here, just truth. My truth is as I review my life over the last 3 weeks, 7 months, 1-2 years, it is hard not to get into betrayal with myself by listening to the negative feedback inside my sub conscience mind. my mindsight. Do I see myself with my soul-heart vision or with those human judgement, label driven, comparative, not enough eyes? It is in this moment, taking all the courage I have not to give in to those voice. Voices I have heard often, know well, and accept at times they will arrive.

Arrive they have with a peculiar vengeance, sneaky and sly. Having a profound sense of awareness, I have come to know that they will arrive, and this time fueled by three events in the last two weeks. It is important to understand my journey and my vision over the last 10 months. A year has almost passed by. On an afternoon late in September, my truth with the aid of a mammogram, indeed, I had found a lump. Yet another emotional and riveting life moment when the radiologist told me I had breast cancer only there were two lumps not one. Shock factor and no fear yet, those present on that day were. One never realizes the affect their life has on another until a diagnosis of cancer.

I have been through four or more, what I call, “standing at the edge of a precipice” life moments. Those events that bring change – for me it was - two burying two infant children, cared for a sick husband who died suddenly and unexpectedly, moved countries, endured a divorce, lost gainful employment due to redundancy unexpectedly and experienced a serious major depression over the space of the last 15-20 plus years. Experts over the years have noted that a person will go through at least one serious event in their lifetime, however I have had more than one.

Here I am in that moment taking a deep breath, listening, consoling, and finding words to give strength to a crying daughter and best friend seeing my life with eyes wide open. This event being a culmination of all my life. Nothing and everything can prepare you for that moment. Decisions, choices are the biggest declaration of your truths, principles because in that very moment, it is up to you to find strength and courage or lay waste to surrendering your life. My choice - to live life no matter the diagnosis.

Fast forward to now, not sleeping. It is about trusting the process and those who stand with you. In the last 10 months I have seen friends, family and acquaintances move in and out of my life like a revolving door. This has been the most difficult space to reconcile my soul with. Knowing I can make mistakes, love my fellow man, am enthusiastic about life and celebrating others there is a sense that a void is lurking in the dark wanting me to fill it. A sense that is bottomless, always seeking and yet it is a programmed behavior because of the word cancer. Those diagnosed with this debilitating killer that is no respecter of gender, age, title, race, credence, income, social status, or followers. We have as a society coined the bad press behind cancer sufferers who live in fear of going it alone while enduring horrendous sickness and pain.

Into the abyss I fell, with an expectation of fear. My fear was that I was going to do this alone and could not. I was afraid I was not enough if I did not live into surviving this serious life moment because as a single woman, with a special circumstance’s daughter, no one would have me. If you want something done, you may as well do it yourself. Lies to cover my eyes from the truth. What is the truth?

Truth is a binding principle that governs your values. Ratification comes through inspiring moments when God, Deity gives you the gift of light and clarity. Intuitively it is known, a deep knowing. What is known in the now, I am living every day through this moment, not weak but weakened, to find greater strengths and knowledge. Those that stand with me, are my people and belong here. Those who have left by choice over the weeks and months were not for me. This week my greatest gift to myself on this journey was to move through not internalizing the rejections I have felt, experienced and seen.

Cancer kills, which is true, however not believing in yourself. your life, your journey is a serial murderer of your soul. The soul that anchors you to all that you are to become. Your soul knows, it feels, it understands intuitively more that we give it the opportunity to do.

Listen in the quiet, when you are alone to the goodness, greatness of your soul. Look at yourself from the inside out because God our creator does not make junk. We may feel that at times, which is certainly okay. It is the next steps that matter most where we celebrate and love ourselves accepting, we are imperfect.

To know me, is to love me and I love all of who I am becoming in this journey as gut wrenching as it is physically demanding, emotionally - spiritually-mentally stretching. The abundance of gifts created learning opportunities, that treasure, money cannot buy. Has this been difficult - YES with every fiber of my being? The greatest catalyst to change, acceptance and digging deep with purpose to discover even greater strengths.

This is my DECLARATION ... My name is Michelle E Harwood Lange and I have stage 3 Breast cancer. I choose to live life everyday knowing I am imperfect. will have life moments where I will cry, get mad, loose friends, find hope, have joy, and will travel this journey with soulful family, amazing friends accepting those bumps in the road as a gift that will refine me rather than define me.

Life is worth living to the fullest and there is so much value in it with or without cancer.

A Search for Belonging to Self

 A Road Less Travelled ..   I started this Blog back in June 2021, not knowing what the future would hold for me.  Terribly optimistic about life as always, appreciated and seeking knowledge to help me understand the concept of belonging.  It is now almost November and I have found where I belong.  

The discovery, the answer is found in this expression of writing but before I continue, may I say this as it just occurred to me.  It was said by Alexander Pope, "To Err is human but to forgive is divine.  For a moment, may I indulge further on this thinking.  If to be human, is a moment, where we are the epitome of mistakes (ERR), certainly this would constitute an admission of being imperfectly perfect.  Hence, that being the case, the most divine action we can take would be to love ourselves despite our ERR and imperfectly perfect.  Is that not a  soul centered  truth we ought to follow every moment of our lives.

Fast forward  to 2022 and this truth, to give ourselves, love, acceptance, compassion, forgiveness and to seek vulnerability within oneself first in all our imperfectly perfectness is front and center, present every day.  Why would such a group of soulful  be-attitudes  of returning to self be so pronounced. An opportunity had arrived which capitulated every life event I had grown from into one seemly small moment that grew into a massive life change.  A vision of life, my life passing before me a late September morning as I was diagnosed with breast cancer,

In that stillness of time like a inch by inch moving glacier, I stood with family and friends mustering grace, hope, compassion and love, not for myself but for them.  As the realization set in through the many free flowing tears, the look of fear and dread gripped their faces,  You know your impact on life and the life of others you had in times and spaces such as these.  Their emotion was an indication of the thought of loss and how they held space for you in their life. where you belonged.  It is true that it isnt the riches or things you accumulate, but how you make others feel and touch their life.  In the immediate aftermath of being diagnosed with Stage 2 Cancer, which later changed to Stage 3, you can see and feel how you being you belongs in the lives of those you love or have loved.

Belonging since I began this blog draft over a year ago has taken a very different definition for me because over the course of the months since that first diagnosis I have been gifted with many opportunities to learn and grow.  One cannot possibly imagine the beauty that comes from such a life changing diagnosis.  I didn't initially in the moment, however, my ethos and practice has been over the years is to kneel before my God and surrender myself to him asking what is that you want me to learn from this journey and how can I serve and share with others the gifts that arrive?

Cancer treatment isnt just about a physical manifestation of illness, it is an opportunity to create receiving treatments to enable families. friends. faith, love and communities to come together. This is my journey of healing mind, heart, body, soul, and most of all to anchor into belonging to myself.  To speak up, speak out, surrender my truths and take care of me with every ounce of vulnerability.  I learned recently even as incredibly strong as I am, the greatest strength, not weakness is to be vulnerable with yourself first.

Lets finish this out on this note and go back to that day I was diagnosed with cancer.  A room filled with my best friend, my daughter and medical professionals.  There was much sadness in that vulnerable moment where a child realizes she may loose her mother and a best friend her dear friend what does one do.  By default it is easy for me to give to others.  I found strength and courage to put aside myself and gave to those who needed support  - offer a gentle hug, a whisper of I love you along  with a declaration of I got this and we will figure this out. 

When we spend a greater portion of our adult lives giving to others, the biggest opportunity will eventually arrive where we will learn the art of self care and receiving. This I know to be true because that  is part of my story. I belong where ever I choose and without a doubt to mine own self first.  None other can tread the winepress of life like me.  A deep knowing allows me to understand like many of you reading this that  I have always been uniquely equipped to traverse this station in live being enough, having all I need to be the best version of myself. With all I have, and all I am now, I am grateful every day for my relationship with God, myself and life.

The Beginning Of A Journey. A Life Changing Journey For the Better

One cannot image the deluge of thought that plagues your mind when after 40 or more years of breast self-examinations (BSE), how haunting it is to discover a lump. I became more diligent and pedantic in my actions from that moment forward. Every day attempting to diffuse the discovery to nothing more than just fatty tissue or just big breast, my breasts. Then the pain began, striking fear into the very heart of the matter. It was searing pain like engorgement with breast milk, and you cannot pump or allow your baby to suckle just to release the tension.

The truth had arrived, and my truth was that it was time to do something about it. Did the thought of cancer cross my mind - resoundingly YES? But again, that was not possible, ME have cancer. NO damn way and not now - in the prime of enjoying life such as it is in the middle of an almost 2-year pandemic.

I learned from my late husband the phrase - "Trust but verify."  It was time to trust what I felt and have a medical professional either deny or concur with my findings. Late September and it was a beautiful sunny day. Unafraid I sat patiently in a room, fidgeting as if something major was about to happen. I sent a voice note to my soul-heart best friend, Jon while I agonizingly waited. The minutes ticking by slowly. It was dreadful, then in a hiss and gentle roar in bounds my physician with a broad beaming smile, saying Hello and what brings me in to see him. The nerves gone; I find myself sheepishly expressing my concerns about a lump in my breast.

Upon examination, the evidence right there before both of us, eliminated any doubt that this was not something else and a lump. The usual prescribed mammogram was up for bat and to my surprise availability was only two days away. As I slowly walked down the hallways of that hallow space, I felt relieved but now markedly concerned. A mammogram, my first. Yes, I was a mammogram virgin. My breasts over the years had not had the pleasure of smashed, fondled into a corner, squished, or laid out for all the world to see up to this point. 

I knew instinctively what was about to happen. This was not a forecast but a deep knowing and yet I was not afraid, that came later when I watched one of my best friends and my youngest daughter crumble into tears at the news. The news that based on the mammogram, without biopsy, I had breast cancer, however not a lump but two. My reaction that day was to call all my family to let them know, it was not easy being brave to share the news. It takes strength not to personalize reactions and yes, I had my moments of wanting to hang up, say something mean but as my wise Mum said you must understand how they must feel hearing that you, someone they love has cancer.

The journey of Cancer is not only about the patient but the family too. They need support and understanding just as much as I do. Their hearts hurt, feel, and know at the worst, the price is death, a loss of someone they have spent their whole lives knowing - a best friend, a colleague, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a niece, a grand-daughter, a mother, and a wife. The toll for those left to endure such a horrific illness is worth a hundred lifetimes.

Lifetimes have passed and I am not the first or last to have a diagnosis of Cancer. I will be the first to see the gift of this experience and find my courage, lessons, and strength in it. About two to three days after this moment that I joked that I had the two for one special and how do you buy bras for different sized breast. Will that be one cup or two I said to one of my girlfriends in the wake of the aftermath.

God blessed me to be a well-endowed woman and now the prospect of losing a breast caused me to feel the pain emotionally of understanding what that loss may mean if it happened at all. I left the forecasting of what was to come behind, understanding I had another medical procedure that would seal the radiologists’ findings. The biopsy procedure is the very moment, where certainty revealed, without compunction or question. I was not afraid, I was grateful, yes grateful that in my lifetime, a cancer diagnosis at this time and place gave me the opportunity to have hope because science and technology had evolved so much more.

With a smile and being unapologetically myself, I ventured into the place of discovery and found two amazing woman made of the best soul heart connectivity I had ever chanced to meet in such a life altering moment. Their care, concern and conversation made all the difference especially when that vulnerable childlike soul swallowed back the tears in a wincing reaction to pain, the understanding of what was happening and feeling alone. Alone in the moment finding my courage and strength to breath, appreciate, and find patience with the process. It was my moment to stand into myself, believing that I had not come this far for nothing.

I had not experienced a serious depression, buried two children and a husband, been homeless and made redundant twice to give up now. This was my moment of really digging in. A vision of seeing what I capable of creating to overcome. The results were in and even the Radiologist had to contain her emotions as she told me I had the most common breast cancer - Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

My truth, my reality, I have Cancer with a small 'C". When you face such a diagnosis, a shrill sound goes through your soul heart and mind as stand in the reflection of your own mortality. But it is a moment, it is not a definition of who I am now, and I am not closing this chapter on my life as if I were handed a death sentence. I understand for a handful of newly diagnosed cancer patients, which is exactly how they feel; nothing prepares you for that. I feel your loss the moment you closed your eyes, drew breath, and gave up. I have given up a million times, most especially, in 2005 when I lost my son, only to stand up and remember that I am worth fighting for, creating about, and living into.

I unapologetically wear my heart on my sleeve, cry over dog, babies, small children, 9-11, taps, a tragedy, chic flicks and a first kiss with someone special. I love life, remember that I am committed to forgiveness and gratitude in every breath I take. My heart sinks when I hear my Mum's voice say goodbye on the phone and it feels like the very last time especially now. 

There is a deep knowing of life experiences that I chose to use my shear will, moving forward, one step at a time. These events in time, because that is all they are now, have not defined me. It is a refinement of my soul perspective that chooses to see the deliciously, deliriously amazing feelings of joy, hope, love, craving, passion, happy, purpose, wonderment, surprise, learning, achieving, giving, serving, laughter and so much, much, more.

My anthem is this ...

 I CAN-CERTAINLY WIN EVERY DAY WHEN I CONNECT TO SOUL LANGUAGE POWERS

C - Constancy in belief of self and my courage to have joy in this MOMENT

A - Answer to the call to live into your NOW

N - Now has arrive to be present to all my life CREATIONS

C - Champion your soul languages as a SOURCE

E - Embrace energy that grows from a choice of POSITIVE POWER

R - Release all unbelief to restore FAITH, HOPE, LOVE & JOY

 

This is dedicated to Jon - Everything is going to be alright... 

A time to Create, A time to Stand

 

Over the course of time, we all experience life in one way or another.  We harness what we know best and often carry what we don't need for fear that we will leave something behind  in order to need it later.  Needing later is a mindset that often I have found myself visiting which in truth is about fear and lack of confidence to believe what I have to offer.   Admittedly it is through effort, care and the outright decision to choose myself that I have found the greatest amount of peace, success and love.  Not love from another, but love, unconscionable out right, full on unconditional love for myself.

The statement that reigns frequently on my mind lately is that I have allowed myself to be an option with me and others around me rather than a choice.  I can candidly say while that may have given me a payoff to serve others, it in the long run has left me out.  Left me out of living into myself and the natural strengths and abilities that lay dormant like a volcano.   What I am about to say is going to sound quite harsh and very judgmental but it is a truth.  We are abusing ourselves when we choose to make ourselves an option not a choice.  The very essence we create breaks down the very fiber of our being, our soul, our hearts. Granted this is my opinion but elementally the fabric of our lives are build on our soul, heart mind connection with ourselves. 

This truth, of soul, heart mind connectiveness has never been more relevant and necessary for each of us.  We stand at a time like no other before and the very synergy and design of our humanity is at risk, is at the center of life.  In a blink of an eye life changes and we are never ready or all are at the epi center of an energy that can make or break us.  

My life, my moments have brought me to realize something very simple.  I choose myself, not out of greed or selfishness but because the greatest relationship I can ever create or develop is the one that I have with myself.  I am not an option, living life fully is not an option, it is a gift to ourselves and those we love.  I choose myself, my care, my word, my soul heart reactions to life and that by doing so, I will enrich the lives of others through how my perspective grows and truly sees.   To see is to know, a deep knowing, without explanation just following.  This moment, this time to create is part of that thinking.  This is the season for me to write and capture my gift inside the lives of others.

I am on a journey to touch lives.  To share stories, to elevate hope, bring joy, light, laughter and a giving energy into your lives every day.  It is my goal to share my moments with myself and those that touch the lives of others, the unsung extraordinary heroes living ordinary lives. 

Join me as I launch the written and spoken word of Michelle Moments - a place, a space where love, unconditional love, joy, hope, compassion and kindness dwell.  Where we celebrate and champion each other.