Surrender 2022 and Welcome the Anthem of You.

I started writing this blog in May of 2021 and now it is fueled in part by the song, Surrender by Natalie Taylor. I was watching a post on my Facebook page and the background music was playing. As I watched the animation on the screen that depicted two people sharing hope, love, and celebration of each other through life experiences, I heard the word Surrender.

I listened closely to the words - Whenever you are ready, whenever you are ready. My heart felt a moment and this time, unlike times of past, I did not try to stop what I felt. In that moment watching this silhouette depiction, I knew the sense of surrendering. Surrendering to myself, to who I am and realizing as I gazed in that smokey looking moisture filled mirror there I was, without comfort, entertainment, and pleasure, alone with myself. What did I see, I saw the scars of life, reminders of my journey in literal and figurative terms. Natalie's words speak of being ready, I was not, but somehow, I knew with tears streaming down my face, bald, thin faced, no eyebrows, there I was. Amidst chemo treatment, I was at the mercy of my body, my soul, and my life. Only me could make those precious earnest steps to move past or into this moment fully.

Fully collapsing and allowing myself to feel all that arrived in that moment. Shame, guilt, negative thought patterns from old programming, unlove. Can I surrender? Yes, I can, yes I will because in that every minute of time that felt like an eternity, God, my Heavenly Father, my higher power was my courage to get vulnerable. He and only he had been waiting for that moment, waiting patiently, nudging me forward, "Whenever you are ready. Whenever you are ready, I am here for you. "

For me, but I am not of any such significance. Yet in the seconds that flashed, afterwards, in the deep dark recesses of my mind as memories flooded, I knew, soulfully knew that this was an untruth I was thinking. I cried, asking where you are, can you give me strength to surrender to this moment where I need to face a truth, haunting truths I am unwilling to see. I have been finding my way back to you, hoping my love for good would bring me back to that place to see.

In that mirror as I brush the mist of moisture away, I saw, a woman who had tread the winepress of life, sometimes making sour grapes, while others a full vibrant fragrance of the sweetness of life. You see one of my truths that day was, admitting that I had made a choice to stay in an abusive relationship, where each time I empowered myself, the voice of reason would convince me I was less than, to which with all my religious beliefs then I acquiesced to the story told. The trigger for deep emotional rising was, due to the visual realization that the scar, on my head, now visible due to baldness from chemo was real and much larger than I was willing to remember or accept. I was hiding from my truth, ashamed, and that everyone would discover that I was everything, that had been told to believe about me.

Flashed of images and time passed across my mind and face bringing me gently back to the present. Flowing freely, were tears, I surrendered to my truth, crumbling to the floor in that bathroom, hoping no one would hear me, but God did. There was a sweet gift that was going to be given me amidst this emotional turmoil. That gift was gratitude and the realization that my cancer was not about being physically ill, it was about emotional, mental spiritual healing. On that cold floor, I said, I surrender to you my God, trusting that no longer will I have to survive in every sense. It was time to live even though my body was dying from cancer and treatments. I surrender, my fear, my mistakes, my in action, all that I am and am not to you. In return, I ask for guidance to see the good in who I am, to find the truth to heal from these scars of hurt where I stopped loving me, speaking up for me and believing I was nothing of significance to you or anyone else. 

In that barrage of grief, pain, and suffering, I had to choose to surrender to myself and love who I was despite the negative programing that I chose to believe. Instead of being a whenever you are ready, it was I am ready. I am ready to stop hurting and start to fully live. Live freely, authentically as myself, without labels, conditions or unlove. Raising the level of energy within myself was the beginning. To get brave and have courage that through this moment brough about by a cancer diagnosis, I could just as other time be brave and get back up. The question was no longer can I surrender, it was a statement, declaration I am surrendering my old self and with courage I am willing to show up authentically as myself and be seen where I am.To be brave everyday knowing that I may get hurt on this journey and with a constancy of resilience get back up.

Getting back up means having gratitude for the challenges that bring life changing lessons where absolute vulnerability is required. I had to get clear with myself, my principles, values and needs. Paint a reasonable, soulful picture where no longer my vulnerability was diminished as unnecessary, unacceptable emotion. Rising from that cold, damp floor, I stood looking at the mirror resolute, knowing with a tremendous about of certainty that my journey was so much more that cancer.

In recent months since that moment, I have come to find it a great blessing to surrender to myself, to who I am, to life and to be vulnerable. To surrender takes much more courage and strength to do and in it there is a gift of as Brene Brown says, "soften into joy."  Get present to Love Joy and belonging because when those things are absent, we become cold to vulnerability, we shut the valve off to feel. Feel whole heartedly.

Vulnerability encapsulates our daily lives and is essential to wholehearted living. It is the barometer and accurate measure for the temperament of courage. Joy and gratitude are coupled together they are powerful fuel and catalysts for fuel when rubber meets the dirt and life get ugly. We are all built to create. As we create joyful memories with gratitude we are building reservoirs that can fill our souls with hope and light during darkness. 

Surrender those moments and people in your life that no longer serve what you seek, the principle that govern your life. We can forgive; however, we do not need to continue in those places where light, love, upliftment does not serve our wellbeing. We have an opportunity to find the center with ourselves and believe with all our might, trusting that the foundation beneath us is strong.

Foundations are found in how you fill your bucket up, the bucket of you. My self-expression is writing and art. With all I have, this sense of being creates shear vulnerability, clarity, learning and understanding. To you, I share the writing of my soul anthem ... an affirmation of experience of who I have become and becoming

I am strength when you are spent.
I am faith when you need belief to see who you are.
I am the kindness when you need a hand to guide and care.
I am the friend who listens when no one hears you.
I am courage, allowing vulnerability to show up and be present letting the feeling in.
I am here living life from divine imagination where all things are possible.

I am all I need to be now and that is enough because with God, Divine Source, which ever that higher power is to you, we are all enough in his eyes.

 I am grateful for every life lesson that teaches me what I need to know soulfully.

I am the whisper of compassion when life gets dark with loss, having walked that road may times and understand others journey.

With grace and gratitude, I surrendered my freedom of singularity, empty nest to welcome the presence of a child who needed love, summers of hope, joy, care and understanding with an open soul, heart, and mind; only to find a greater energy.

I AM is my mantra to be do and have the energy and light to be a beacon of my truths, where vulnerable spirituality is my sanctuary first.

Find you, find your I AM's. Start your 2023 and make a list of who you are with all the divine imagination you can muster. I know it is in there you just have to say YES to YOU.